My morning blog post today spoke about wishing and dreaming about the feeling of hypomania. Those initial days where everything seems possible. The lifting of depression, and the thrill of it all. The moment when all senses are heightened and life seems just plain perfect. In the hours since I wrote that my mood tanked. I felt agitated and angry. Everything seemed to feel wrong. I dragged myself thru the day. I accomplished the bare minimum, and that just made the day worse. I couldn’t figure out what was going on. By late afternoon I took refuge in the bed and thought hard about it. It took a while, but it all started to make sense. I hate where I am at right now. Angry at life, the circumstances, the finances, the mess that is the daily grind. I was longing for what I wrote about. Longing to somehow be released from this all. I know damn well hypomania wouldn’t fix any of this. I would just be able to fly above it, without a care. That is why I was so angry and frustrated today.
There has to be a middle ground. Somewhere safe and okay. Not too high, but not this fucking depression either. I want to function, like I know I can. I want to pull my weight, and accomplish all that needs doing. That’s the problem with feeling like I do now. I see all that isn’t done. I see the building that needs painting, or the fence that needs fixing. I am smothered looking at piles of unpaid bills. They suffocate me. I look outside at the glorious day and the sun shining, but nothing stirs in me. No desire to walk out and soak up those rays, no wish to experience any of it. I want nothing to do with anything.
It is easy in that moment to be disgusted with myself. What is wrong with you? Why can’t you just get a grip and go outside, enjoy the sunshine? My mind preys on itself. It just gets grey and dark. Looking out the window looks drab and nondescript. It is like someone has pulled a shaded filter over everything I see.
I fucking hate this. I hate this life I am leading and how I exist right now. I long for something different. Something better.