Finding the Center

In a valiant effort to bolster my mood, I wanted to write about acceptance. A way to come to terms with where I am right now without judgements. I know, sounds tough. It is. There is a way to be depressed, and to experience the depression, without falling prey to the negative self talk, and the judgements. I’m not there. Wish I were.

When I think about the experience of depression, I only see the bad. Somehow, I need to accept that this is where I am right now. This isn’t necessarily where I’ll be in a month, or 6 months. Unfortunately, my little voice in my head, starts chattering about how much time I spend depressed, vs ok. I know, the ratio isn’t so lovely. I don’t know where my life got so off track. When did depressed become my default setting??? It is clear I was depressed as a kid. It has been with me these past 30 years. Some years bad, others years not. When looking at the historical trend it appears I have had bouts of major depression 4 or 5 out of every 10 years. Now, granted that might be my depressed brain painting in broad grey strokes. My hospitalizations seemed to be on an every 2 year trend over the past 10 years. I don’t know if looking at history really matters. Since history doesn’t really have much to do with acceptance. It does however allow me to see that I have not been depressed everyday for the past 30 years. It just feels that way.

My goal for today, to try to be ok with the depression for at least some of the day. I know I can’t sustain that, so I will shoot for part, not all. Do what I can. If I don’t get something accomplished, accept it, and do a little more tomorrow. There is no use in beating myself up, it only makes everything worse.( As yesterday points out). I can put one foot in front of the other. I know that much.

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