Well as I said I would do, I took today a bit at a time. Rather than view it as a whole insurmountable hunk. In some ways it helped. I did various tasks for as long as I could manage. I weeded my garden for a bit. But quickly became overwhelmed and frustrated. I will add, that I have a very large perennial garden. It is no small task to keep ahead of the weeds. This year I got behind it, and it is showing. I did manage to make a dent in the problem, and the garden does look terrific. Perennial gardens age and develop over time. They grow and fill in, each plant seeking space to reach out and unfurl. We have had steady amounts of rain to make everything bloom and thrive. It was hard sitting amidst the splendor, and be unable to see it. This was my brain child. Each plant selected and placed by me. Lovingly tended, weeded, and watered. It is in these moments that I can see how insidious depression is. How quickly it can take so much away. How completely it tarnishes all that burns so bright. Not even the finest of day lilies, or the most luscious of clematis can contend with it.
I left the garden frustrations behind, and moved on to mowing pasture. It is a task I usually find pleasure in. It is simple, and monotonous. Driving around in circles for hours under the golden sun with only the swallows for company. They come as soon as they hear the tractor. Swooping and flying low over the freshly disturbed pasture. Happily eating the bugs as they take flight off the blades of grass. It is usually something I do happily. I put on some music, and set to the task of taking down weeds. Today it just made me irritable. The garden frustrations quickly boiled over to mowing frustration. I only lasted about 40 minutes.
Virgil suggested a psychopharm consult. Shall I say, yet another psychopharm consult. I’ll write about this tomorrow. Here’s a pic of the garden (this time last year)….