Happy??

Came across this today, and thought to myself, if only it were this simple. I know much of my mood instability has to do with the chemical avalanche that is currently going on in my skull. However, much of it is also being driven by the situation I find myself in. Life, and all the stress that comes with it. At this point in time, it is one parent in the hospital, the other declining mentally, piles of bills and debt that I can’t pay. Ongoing interaction with a brother I really shouldn’t be near. Oh, just that. Well, all combined it adds up to stress, a vast endless stream of it. If life were simple, like the chart above, I could change something. Unfortunately, there isn’t anything changeable, except my acceptance of them, and my fight to keep myself in balance. There are days that seems impossible. I cannot make my mother healthy, nor can I stop the aging that is robbing my father faculties. I cannot get out of debt, well barring winning the lottery. Most of all I cannot change this path I am on right now. I have a partner, and a board of directors to answer to. There is no out. Again, no easy way out. This is a place I don’t do well in. I don’t like feeling backed against a wall. Trapped and anxious, I can quickly fall apart, and behave in irrational ways. so, the question is- Why haven’t I? Am I finally getting better? Have all the years of therapy done something? In the past, I know where I would be right now. I am not there. I won’t say I don’t have any self-destructive thoughts. I do, and they both scare me and comfort me equally. I think I am different now. Maybe not as lethal and impulsive as I once was. Here I am trapped, and somehow dealing. Am I depressed, yes. Am I suicidal, no. I am putting one foot in front of the other, like most of the rest of the planet. I don’t need a flow chart to tell me a change is needed. Sadly, like most people, I have to take what life serves up. But I do have a choice. I have a choice to take it, and stand up straight. Meet it head on, and not take the way out. Tonight, I chose to take it standing up straight.

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