Two paths diverge

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Robert Frost

We spoke today in session about the path I chose to take. The path that almost cost me my life. As I see it there was a split in the road. I made a choice and on I went. Beatrice challenged that. She felt it was more likely two paths were running parallel. One was walked by a person that wanted help, that wanted to be saved. I thought about it, and it is possible. Part of me probably did want a way out, it is probably why I made that phone call. Maybe I did want to be talked down from that ledge. But, my mind only allows me to see the secretive plotting side of the story. The side that planned for all those months. The part of me that diverged from the help and therapy, and instead forged on alone in silence. I don’t know that a mind in that state can truly see the dichotomy. I think it is so fixed on seeing things one way, there is no room for anything else. It is what makes it so dangerous there. The disconnect from everyone. The inability to see help standing within reach. How is it that the mind can alter reality that much? I know in the depths of that suffering everything becomes easy to miss. Reality isn’t really reality. It is a place untouched by time and place and people. It is the darkest of rooms. It is the deepest of suffering. At the very core of my being. It is very much like falling into a deep ravine. Everything looks so far away, and the climb out seems impossible.

She asked my why I called her. I really don’t have a good answer, as to why I called her and not Virgil. I think the most straightforward answer is had I called Virgil I would have had to page her. Her calling back may have woken my partner, and the plan would have failed. My attempt would have been foiled. That is the easy answer, but in reality it is far more difficult to answer. I said I did not want my story with Virgil to end like that. So many years of work, I didn’t want to hurt her. I know, I know. Killing myself would hurt her, but the mind doesn’t work like that when you are where I was. There is nothing logical, nor intelligent about it. I once read a story about a man who planned to jump off a bridge. He was stopped because he was unable to jump off where he planned to. When asked why he didn’t cross the road to the other side he replied “I didn’t want to risk getting hit by a car crossing 6 lanes of traffic”. It is a good example of how inflexible the mind becomes once it has latched on to a plan. I really don’t know why I didn’t call Virgil. Beatrice asked if it was because I thought she would stop me. It is entirely possible. There is no way to know what she would have done or said. Maybe all those years of relationship would have carried greater weight and I would not have stepped off that chair. I am sure there is some deeper meaning in all of it, some psychological theory, but I do not have the answer. Maybe someday I will.

I am glad to finally lay this out there. Welcome the opportunity to process it. It was one of the most profound decisions of my lifetime, and I do think it needs to be worked on. It has altered the course of my life, and my relationships. I hope that in processing the attempt and the months that led up to it, that I can learn from that experience. I do not ever want to wander down that path again, it is far too great a risk.

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