As I find myself awakened and renewed, I can’t help but think of all I have not accomplished. Where my life unraveling left me so unable to cope. Completely unable to participate in it. I am so blessed with a partner that picks up what slack there is and soldiers on. She somehow does it every time. Not ever really bitching or complaining that it is too much to carry. I love her dearly, though I can’t help but imagine how difficult this has made life for her. I asked her the other day, on a trip to yet another doctor’s office, Did you know what you were getting yourself into? She quietly responded, no. When we first met, life was as good as it has been for me. I felt capable, and stronger than I ever had. Not every day, but many of them. I was back in school, and working. I was riding everyday. It was so far from where I have been these last ten years. I had a schedule and a goal. I was able to adapt to what life threw at me. In the first couple years of our relationship, this solidity remained. I’m not saying everything was perfect. It wasn’t. But is was really good.
Everything changed with the move up into the country. I no longer had the structure of school. I just had this enormous responsibility of running a business and caring for 40+ animals. It was pretty quickly evident we were in over our heads. From a financial standpoint we had no idea what we were doing. Sure, we could care for horses, but doing books and trying to budget everything we were awful at. Initially we just found our way. Money came in, and we got by. I on the other hand, was no longer getting by. I fell deeply into a depression. It had been a long while since one like this had come along. I had been out of touch with Virgil, just touching base on meds every 6 months or so. I so clearly remember making that phone call. I had to reach back out, I had to try to get out of where I was at. I was standing on my deck with the phone in my hand. It is weird how our minds remember certain events so clearly. I guess my brain filed that under important events. Important because I made the effort to try to get myself out of the hole I found myself in.
I returned to treatment, and we changed up the meds. That is how this last 10 years got started. It has been a roller coaster since. Yes, some years have been more in the middle, okay and not really depressed. But what I lack is that drive, and the confidence I had back when I met my partner. I can’t help but think how much we have lost because I could not pull my weight and get the job done. I know we have lost clients because of it, and I know in the long run it probably cost us our business. We have somehow adapted, and changed what we are doing. Yet, I still feel saddled by the same limitations. Unable to really unleash my potential. I want to find my way back to that place of power and mastery. I just don’t know how. There are days when I wonder if I still have that ability. Will ever be back in a place where life is so very solid. Am I that person? Can I accomplish what I want without my ever shifting mood effecting it?
I know the future scares me. I can’t even briefly think about it without anxiety finding its way in. I don’t have it in me to endure another 10 years like the ones we just went thru. I don’t know that my partner has it in her either. Will this be the rest of my life? More drugs, and more hospitals? All I see is a train wreck, not a life lived with direction and purpose. I guess I have become gun-shy and fearful. Fearful of what I am capable of, and what my mind can do. It is no longer a promising tool to be honed and sharpened. I don’t feel any of that control, rather I feel I am at its mercy. At the mercy of the ever-changing landscape of moods, and emotions. From anger and agitation, to sadness and regret. It is like being lost at sea, swept here and there by the maelstrom of emotion. As suddenly as these storms kick up they disappear, leaving this vacuous emptiness. Nothing but apathy and exhaustion. Leaving me near paralyzed in their wake. When did it all go so very wrong? When did I lose so much control?
I look out at this beautiful morning. Filled with potential, waiting for my next move. I am energized and ready for this new day, but somehow all my head wants to think about is how it won’t last. It never does. I cannot keep myself here in this moment. Rather I fight my mind that wants to be adrift in thoughts of regret and worry. How can I convince myself everything will be okay when it has been so awful? I can reel myself back in, and revel in the sunshine and the hummingbirds that have joined me here on the deck, but it takes but a second to get lost again. I repeat the process, and my mind fights its way back to the doubts and the past. I am having an awful time staying present. I wish to god I could stay present. Let go of the fear and the worry. Let go of the conviction in my head that I won’t last another 10 years like this.