Fight to be present

and so it continues, my battle to stay here in the present, rather than worry about what happens next. I constantly flip back and forth between being happy and energized and being worried and anxious. For the first few days, when the mood changed all I could think about was, uh oh this isn’t going to be good. All the energy felt so foreign, like some invader from another planet. I was in awe of the changes, but somewhere in my brain I was adrift. Not in the joy of it all, nope, I was too busy thinking how high will this go? how fast will this departure be? As the shift has settled, the worry has changed. Today I find myself wondering if it will last. Will my depression come right back, as I adjust to the medication? Is it too strong to just be cast aside like that. So, it is really obvious, I am anywhere but present. My mind jumps from worry to worry, not pausing to take in what is around me. There is the beauty of this moment, when I come out of my shell. It seems so odd. Even hearing myself talk sounds alien to me. It has been too long. I realize now so much of the difficulty with my partner is probably based in my complete lack of communicating. I know when I get depressed I shut down and withdraw. This is on top of my baseline which isn’t a chatty Cathy to begin with. Every conversation is strained and silent. She seems to just give up trying to talk, and it dies there before it even has a chance to start. These past few days have been different. Not that we are talking about anything too close to home, but we are talking. That alone is huge. I think I need to try to stay here in the present by using skills to communicate more. Spend less time in my head, and more time outside it. It is okay to talk, and banter over the latest news. It feels good to do. I can be okay in the moment. I think with some time it won’t feel so weird. Finding myself laughing, doesn’t need to be startling.

I think I have an opportunity now to try and improve things that have been cast aside in the midst of the depression. Tasks that have been left undone. It is a time for action. A time to move everything along. This may help me stay present. I can engage in tasks with the new-found energy. Finish some projects that got left undone when the exhaustion and apathy took over. Be here, and engage. Chose that option over worry.

One thought on “Fight to be present

  1. the best advice i ever got from my therapist was when she looked me in the eye and said “kim, get out of your head!”

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