Angry?

We returned to the Nor’easter in session today. One of the questions Beatrice asked is was I angry with my partner. I wasn’t really thinking about it, and it caught me off guard. Initially my mind just skimmed over it, not even focusing. But my heart did, it noticed. I don’t usually think about my anger as being directed at her, more just a generalized diffuse sort of anger. It shows itself in irritability and impatience that sits with me all the time. I don’t ever stop long enough to think about what I am really angry about. It was in that moment on that couch that I let it touch me. I let it in, and I thought about it.

I’m angry, that is true. I am angry at this life and all the stresses. I’m angry that I am existing in this alone. She is right there, not 10 feet away, but I am alone. She just doesn’t see it. There is so much I want to say, so much I need to explain. I feel like I am living my life hurling along on a runaway train. But somehow when I look over she is placid and content. How can our experiences of this very same existence be so very far apart. How can we be so far removed. I don’t understand. I feel like I am doing everything in my power to tell her and everyone else I need to get off this train. I need a way out, even if for a little while. I cannot deal with it. How can I be so unable to cope, when everyone else just keeps on going. I am so angry at her for not seeing how desperately I need to stop. But there is no stopping this train. All that is here, all the responsibilities, and the animals, and the bills, and the stress. I CANNOT take it. Most of all I cannot deal with being alone in this. I try to talk about it, but it just continues day after day. When I finally say something, I get the “fuck it, sell it, get rid of all the animals” response. I know that isn’t feasible so I retreat again, and again and again. This never changes. The train keeps trucking along and I long to get off, but it is going too fast. There is too much at stake.

It was in that moment on that couch that it really struck me. It isn’t so much the anger, but the isolation that is so hard to bear. We are each leading our lives, not feet apart, but an eternity away. It feels so crushing to realize that. I understand now why the fantasy of disappearing seems so appealing, I have all but disappeared already.

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