There is a reason I am so alone. I push everyone away. I am fierce in my anger, and I find ways to be nasty. I see the wrong in every right, and the problem in every situation. There isn’t much the people around me can do. The worse I feel the more I take it out on those around me. It only compounds the situation. I don’t want to be alone, but somehow that is where I find myself. I create this reality.
I don’t understand why I do this, I don’t understand why I so easily hurt the people I love, especially my partner. I feel so powerless. It is like I am sabotaging my own existence, creating this distance. She doesn’t deserve to be mistreated. To take my shit day after day. Yet that is what she does. We are now in this pattern. I snap at her, or say something and she retreats, I feel unheard and I retreat. There is then silence, neither one of us making any more effort. I get more frustrated and angry and the cycle repeats itself. This is my doing. I am just so very tired of being sick. Tired of being the one that fucks everything up all the time. It just doesn’t seem to get any better, if anything things seems to get worse.