Exhausted

Still dealing with this lingering exhaustion. Hoping it is just some bug, and not the depression fighting back. The provigil has been great, and I am thrilled with the change in energy level, and decrease in the depression symptoms. It is one of the hardest things to deal with when having mental illness, what is physical v. mental? Is that pain I am feeling part of the depression? Is it something else entirely? Seems like most psychiatrists blame it on a physical problem, and most GP’s blame the mental illness. It is enough to make a person truly nuts. I just throw my hands up and say fuck it. Unless I am really sick, I’m not going to the doctor. Yeah, I know, I’m stubborn. I don’t think many doctors look beyond the list of psych meds on the chart. Not saying all, I have a couple good doctors that are excellent, and have always treated me well. I have seen others that want to get the heck out of the room when you give them a medication list.

It is still hard though, even I second guess myself. There are times I just chalk anything up to my head. Doesn’t matter what the symptoms are, I just get myself convinced it must be because I am depressed. That isn’t always the case. Depression does seem to come along with its own host of issues, some of which manifest themselves in physical ways. I don’t think it is a good idea to fall into the trap of just saying it is my head. Since we all deal with various physical issues at one time or another. From the usual cold/ flu to sports injuries. It isn’t always just in my head. I have to keep telling myself that. To trust what my body is telling me, and have some faith in that. I work so hard to keep my head healthy, it is equally as important to keep my body healthy. I think my working out daily helps both my body and my mind. I have settled into the routine now, and am at the gym 6 days a week. It definitely helps my mood and gives me a sense of accomplishment, especially when I am dragging and don’t want to do anything. I always leave the gym pleased with myself. I think exercise is critical to overall health. I still struggle with diet, though I have worked to carefully shift my diet into more protein, less carbs. Fresh fruits, and a daily protein shake. I don’t think I have been this health conscious in a long time. Feels good to work toward something as important as my health and well being. Both emotional and physical.

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