Ever feel like you are just charging along, but not getting anywhere? I have this distinct feeling of swimming against the current. It is an awful feeling, because eventually you realize you just aren’t going to make it. So, when do you decide to turn around? or do you just keep swimming because that is what everyone around you is doing. I start to feel this ever-present panic on days like today. Am I the only one who sees the reality of the situation? or am I the one that is the wack job that overreacts to everything and I should just shut up and keep swimming. I don’t know the answer to that. I can’t see the reality because I’m buried under it.

I know we are in deep, that is obvious. I just don’t have a solution. Maybe let the place go to foreclosure and bail. Is that the answer? or do I keep on fighting to stay here. I feel so fucking far removed from my partner, and my board of directors. But I may very well be the reason we are not thriving. Am I somehow sabotaging what we are doing? If I were to give 200% could we get back on our feet? My gut tells me no. I think it would take an epic turnaround to save us. All around me I see rescues failing and closing. They probably were giving 200% and it didn’t matter. It is simple economics. These horses are phenomenally expensive to keep, never mind all the farm expenses and upkeep. I made a major mistake in accepting this new horse. I know it now. It may well be the last straw for us.

What will become of all of them? and what will happen with the farm? and what will become of us? The past three years have been a battle to keep this place and find our way as a rescue. If that was gone, what would we do? My partner joked and said I should go back to Africa. Believe me, it sounds inviting. There is a very simple equation= find food, find water, survive. Obviously AIDS and tribal warfare complicate that. Yet, it is such a beautiful place. In a very rugged, straightforward way. I was pretty lost the last time I set foot on the continent. But I was able to walk away from the disaster of my life here, and help somebody. Actually help a lot of people. I am forever grateful for the opportunity to make that trip. And for the opportunity to return to Africa. It is a place like no other. So when she brought that up I can’t say I didn’t fantasize a bit. Maybe someday I’ll find my way back there. To the vast expanse of great blue sky that seems to go on forever and the deep red clay where it meets the earth. Africa is a place I visit in my dreams.

It was a good fantasy, but the reality of life is harsh. There is no hopping on a plane for 18 hours and settling in Kenya. This is our battleground. We either have to figure out a way to survive here, or we give up and move on. This unsettled feeling of swimming against the current is my brain saying Give Up. But maybe I just don’t have the strength to carry on like this. In the past week, with one freakin thing after another, I have had it up to my eye balls. There is no drug in the world powerful enough to face off with this stress. It is scary when an hour sweating buckets at the gym is inviting. I know I am running, running from here. Finding somewhere to hide for a bit. These days that is on the elliptical, or the treadmill running 50 miles a week watching NatGeo. How did my life get to this? and what the fuck am I doing? All it seems to be is questions, and no answers. I’ve fucking had it. So I just keep running, running away from the feeling of drowning. I can only swim against the current for so long.


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