Functioning

I knew the minute I opened my eyes this morning, it was different. Very different. It was as if someone had wrapped everything in smothering dark wool. It was so utter and complete. Walking from my bed to the bathroom seemed difficult and slow. I know this place. It is an ugly place, a sad place. It isn’t foreign, nor scary anymore. It is just so fucking sad. Fighting was pointless. I made my way downstairs for a cup of coffee, but quickly retreated. It was emotionally painful even keeping my eyes open. I just gave in. Curled up under my comforter and closed my eyes. I know I am reacting emotionally to all of the events that have unfolded over the past few weeks, months and years. They are cumulative and bone crushing. There is the true settling of reality. Deep in the corners of my mind. Functioning doesn’t happen in moments like this. Brushing teeth feels like climbing Everest. Only sleep is an ally. I want no contact with anyone, or anything. Words are too difficult right now. Withdrawing is the only option that feels doable. I need this time to regroup and to get myself back together. It may take not functioning for a bit to do that.

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