Reality

It is a sobering moment when reality suddenly becomes clear. There is no need to keep swimming against the current. It is pointless. It is a sad place to be. Years of our lives have gone into making this place ours. But it was just a myth, it was never really ours. Just an illusion. Far great a property, well beyond our means. Beyond our ability to manage. Initially as a business, but also as our home. I wish now, more than ever, that we had seen this reality. God we were idiots. True idiots to imagine we could ever be good enough for all this. Good enough to make it work. We are buried now. In debt, and in horses. We cannot solve this, not this time. Somehow, each and every time we get to this spot, something comes along and we scrape by. Not this time. I don’t want it. I don’t want a last second bail out, to just keep us guessing until the next time. Stressing until the next crunch. I’m worn thin, from the past couple years. There is a stillness in me now. As reality really settles in. It is okay. If I think about everything we are losing, I cannot cope, so I need to just keep telling myself it is okay. I never was cut out for this life. Never able to deal with this stress. The past ten years have proven that. Not sure what I am cut out for, maybe nothing. I know how to take care of these creatures, large and small. But somehow seem unable to take care of myself at the same time. I get lost in it and can’t cope. This thing gets so big and so stressful, I just can’t see outside of it. Tonight I saw my breaking point, that moment when the panic becomes totally encompassing. It is like feeling waves crash over you, you lose sight of the sky and the beach. It all gets jumbled in the crashing white water. There is a sickening feeling of vertigo. Which way is up? What is safe? I have been in this place so many times. Many with terrible results. I think in this moment tonight I realize I have no control of what happens here. But I do control me. I will not let this destroy me. I can’t. I can’t give up. I can only try to center myself and observe as everything goes to shit. This place, the bills, the fleas, the horses…all of it. I am watching the ship sink. I’m not the ship. I’m not sinking with it. I have not fought all these years to stay alive, to lose it now. It would be so easy to fold, and give up. It would be so simple, just let go. In the panic tonight I ran out of this house. Unable to even see straight. It was a quiet evening. The storms moving over had passed and a thick moist air was blanketing the farm. I just started walking (limping), not sure where I was headed, or what I was doing. I needed to move, to stop thinking. I wandered down the driveway and came face to face with the great heron. Tonight he was settled on the fence gazing over the wetlands. The frogs sang in the background. It was still, and peaceful. I stood looking at him, and he looking back. I didn’t move for many moments. Eventually he rose off the fence and flew into the pond. I remained there, unable to move. Surrounded by the majesty of this place. Home. A place we may well lose. It was indeed sobering. I know that heron was there for a reason. It was a way to get grounded and out of my head. Thanks heron.

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