Rebound

Well it has been a better day. I have righted myself. I think. My choice of words last night was a poor one. Guess with my history some things just shouldn’t be said. “End of my rope” is probably one of those expressions. Unfortunately, in my tired, frustrated, seroquel addled brain it was what came to mind. When I think about suicide these days, it doesn’t have the appeal it once did. I do think about it. I pops up there in my conscience. It is somewhat out of the blue. I never know when these thoughts will come up. sometimes they are like watching a movie, a silent film rolling there behind my eyes. This doesn’t scare me anymore. There was a point in time when it was terrifying. Now, it just is. I have accepted them as part of me. It is how my brain works. As long as I don’t act, they are just thoughts, nothing more. I don’t think I’ll act, because I just don’t have that impulse. There isn’t a pull to follow the thought. I’ll know if that changes. I’ll just observe them for now. Given my past, I would find it odd if these thoughts were not there. I’ve met a lot of people along the way. Many of them live with these thoughts, just as I do. It is when we come undone and decompensate that they become dangerous. When the thoughts become something to foster, and nurture, often in secret. It is then that they become deadly. I know this sounds strange, but I often find them comforting. The decision to end my life is something i will always control. I alone will forever have that choice. It is mine alone. In this world where everything is a mess, and everything comes apart. When the stress ratchets up to the highest level, I always have my thoughts as company. It isn’t completely out of control, I will always have something I can control. Most would recoil from this admission. I guess it is strange. Is it a product of my past? Do perfectly normal people think like this? or do you have to almost die by your own hand to get to that place? I don’t know the answer to that. I just know I am taking things a day at a time. If I have these thoughts as company, it is okay with me. Eradicating them isn’t an option. Pushing them away never works, they always come back. Often worse.

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