Rage

There are times in life when you have moments when everything becomes so clear. In the midst of that moment everything falls away, time seems to just stall. This morning, as I fought with my partner, I saw the reality. and I saw the future. yeah, I know. we can’t predict the future. That is true, but when things are coming undone, the future looks pretty bleak. Between raging emotions, I saw in my mind’s eye, a future without her. It was so clear, so concise. Without some change, we are done. I know that, and it was clear she knows that. It was a sad moment. I can’t say I didn’t see it coming, ’cause I did. This has been years in the making. Only spurred more quickly into reality by the situation we are living in. There was nothing left to be angry about, just resignation.

Over the past weekend we dealt with a sick horse, quickly escalating vet bills and no water. It would push anyone. For us it was just the last straw. In the chaos of dealing with the horse and the vet, I didn’t refill my one script. By this morning I was feeling that all too familiar edgy shaky feeling. My body doesn’t much like missing doses, and it is quick to argue about it. I was trying to get the meds and everything done with the horse and my partner said she was going out. I asked her to pick up my script. Well, a quick trip to get a bagel turned into a 3 hour jaunt. I rode, and did some barn work. As the third hour rolled around I was pretty close to twitching. Eventually she returned. She handed me a bagel, and said she was going to get my medicine. Well, I pretty much went bat shit. I was tired, anxious, and withdrawing from the meds, not a nice combo. She got the wrath of that mixture. There we were in the middle of the driveway, battle royale. It isn’t that we don’t ever fight- we do. A lot more these days as the stress eats away at us. But we don’t fight out in public, and we don’t often both get that wound up. She informed me she probably wouldn’t be there when I got back. Since I was then pissed and was going to get my own damn medication. It was there in that split second I saw it. Not even saw it, I knew it. My heart told me. We were done. Nothing short of a miracle is going to change anything. I left. Every last ounce of my being cried to run. To point that truck in any direction but home and drive until I could not go anymore. It has been a long time since I felt that way. It was a common coping mechanism in the long-buried past. But here, now? nope, it had been a very long time. In the back of my mind alarm bells were ringing. Had I exhausted my coping skills? Was I running out of ways to deal. My mind was grabbing onto old impulses, and poor options. To run isn’t an option. Where am I going to go? How can I possibly leave? I give a shit enough not to do that to her. But I was angry, and I was at my limit. I’ve been running in the red all weekend, and often for short stints over the past months. Yesterday, I stood in the barn aisle trying to get the cordless phone to properly seat on the charger base. Hasn’t been working, and it wasn’t in that moment. The rage that exploded out of me was remarkable. I stopped myself from demolishing that phone, charger and everything in sight. I stood stock still shaking with fury. I understood in that moment how people do things they regret. Why people just snap. I was completely and utterly blinded. There was nothing left of me- just the fury. I have no idea how long I stood there gripping that phone. I know my jaw was clinched  so hard I cracked a tooth. I was far beyond the realm of coping. It wasn’t just yesterday. I have seen hints of it. But today my brain told me to get as far from here as possible. I went to the gym. Hoping it would calm me, and center me. No, if anything I just became more wound up. Instead of being a place of refuge, it was repugnant. The blaring music grated against my nerves. My body refused to do anything. I was shutting down. All systems were not a go. I forced myself to try. I finally gave up and returned home. The closer I got to home the more my anxiety amped up. I wanted to turn right back around. Run far away.

I have nowhere to run. My life and my responsibilities are here. I need a breather. Each of these incidents is telling me it is getting worse. They are telling me loud and clear, find some room. Change something, fix something. If my brain is giving me all these warning signals I have to heed that. Because it may not be a cordless phone catching my rage next time.

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