No real change over the past couple days. Not much seems to make me happy. Spending much of my time irritable. I’d love to be able to shift the whole picture. Flip it around entirely. Everything seems to be negatives, problems, issues, road blocks. Nothing seems possible. I hate this. Though I am not sure how to change it, since so much of it is firmly anchored in issues here. I think we need a break, not from the horses, but from each other. But how is that possible, in the midst of all this shit.
So I find myself thinking about how to make space, how to get distance and perspective. Maybe I am just so caught up in the daily chaos and problems that I am letting that seamlessly find its way into our relationship. Is it just the stress? or is it us? The lines are so blurred. I wish I knew the answer. Honestly, I’m not sure I care, and that is the problem. It isn’t just the horses that don’t resonant with me. It appears to be everything. I find myself falling back into that familiar spot, is it my fault? This isn’t a very good spot for me to visit, but I come right back to it, over and over and over. A day or so ago, I was pissed and angry at everyone for questioning me, forever saying hold on. I am still angry, but it is so easy to doubt myself. Am I yet again depressed and sliding toward inertia? Am I the one standing still while everyone else is fighting to move forward? I don’t think so. Sure, I’m miserable. But miserable is different from depressed. One is just a crappy life, the other is a mental illness. I know it is easy to think they are one in the same. They are not. My life sucks right now. I have more stress than I can cope with, and I have dealt with awful things these past few weeks. Miserable is acceptable. If I were skipping along singing that would be bizarre. So, yes I am miserable, unmotivated and angry. That isn’t sick, it is probably quite appropriate given the circumstances.
I don’t want to constantly doubt my head and where it is at. It is one of the scars left behind, when the depression leaves. When the treatments are done, and the hospital visits lay in the past, it sits there in the background. It leaves doubt and wondering. I don’t want to wonder. I don’t want to doubt myself.