tearful and overwhelmed

It was an odd day. Not too bad to start. Decent session with Beatrice, but it seemed to shift rapidly as the day progressed. By mid afternoon I was fighting tears and this overwhelming sensation of being smothered. Smothered by everything that has gone so very wrong. I don’t tend to be tearful, so it usually sends some alarm bells off in my head. Angry yes, tearful no. My usual numb default setting was failing miserably. Since I was trying to be professional and deal with the farrier, I actually left to run an “errand”, just to get out of the barn. I don’t like anyone to see me fall apart, least of all someone I have a working relationship with. Seeing the vet bill for our dead horse really seemed to set things off. I was angry that they really nailed us. I don’t expect hand outs, I do expect courtesy. Losing Lilo was just devastating, but seeing the bill really sent me reeling. I am fearful of where I am finding myself over these past few hours. Not that I am suicidal, because I am not. It is this feeling of being leveled, in so many respects. I still feel that pull to disappear and run. Find somewhere far from here. It isn’t possible, I can’t just drop everything. or could I? Could I just disappear? I’m exhausted and burned out. I know that. As I stood in the hallway tonight upset and crying, my partner came in from outside. She made no effort to ask why, or even to comfort me. We have drifted miles apart. I’m not looking for sympathy, or even empathy. Just for something to register. Her denial hangs in the air like a thick fog. She can’t even see what is right in front of her. I’m suffering, just as I know she is, but there is no connection. It is sad. I don’t know how to make this right. I don’t know where to go from here.

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