same, adrift

Today didn’t get off to a very swift start. No matter what I did I could only pull my pillow over my head and fall back asleep. By the time I had a cup of coffee it was after 11. So, now in addition to feeling shitty and miserable, now I was feeling guilty. That little voice in my head informing me I was a piece of shit for staying in bed. I made my way downstairs and quickly realized why bed seemed like such a good idea. As was the case yesterday, I was tearful and sad. I felt so little control over it. As much as I tried to be numb and shut it off, I failed. I spoke with the vet office manager, and I could do nothing to stop crying and be effective. So much for that. I think I got some of my point across. I headed to the gym, hoping for some peace. Instead, I was sore and stiff. Every muscle in my body tight and uncomfortable. I dragged myself thru 45 minutes, but it was about all my back could take. It has been like this for a couple of months, and I have just been ignoring it. Normally the fitter I am, the better it is. This is different. I should get it checked, but I know what the xrays looked like 10 years ago. I can only imagine how it looks like now. I’m hoping it settles a bit. The stress isn’t helping, and the farm work just compounds matters. Everything is heavy lifting. Dealing with the daily pain isn’t what I need. I have been so unmotivated, and my horses aren’t fit enough, I’m tempted to not even bother with polo this year. My partner keeps telling me I need to play, for the sake of my head. It is true. It does help keep me sane. But, I can barely ride my horses right now, let alone play polo. The season is still a month away, so hopefully my back will be a bit better by then.

There is so much wrong, guess the back is the least of it. The bird attacked my partner, tearing up her hand really bad. The old cat is going to be put to sleep tonight. He stopped eating, and is blind and ancient. I’m not attached to him, but my partner is. It is just one more crappy thing to cope with. I really don’t know how much more I can deal with. I’m already at the outer edge. As I sit here typing, staring at a black TV screen, it is pretty evident I’m not coping very well. A non working satellite should not be cause of meltdown, but tonight is different. So, guess I’ll just sit here and cry. I was hoping to watch a little TV and unwind. Clearly, the new remote had other plans. I was a bit unhappy when my partner switched companies, but it saved quite a bit of money. I was convinced it would be a pain in the ass. Surprisingly the whole install went quickly while I was at the gym. Though here I am completely unable to get the fucking thing to do anything. Guess it was a pain in the ass after all. I hope tomorrow goes a little better, and that I can get myself together a bit. I know Virgil is right, I do need to feel this stuff, and to process it. I don’t like it. I get a bit worried when emotions become this intrusive. I’d much prefer to keep them in check. When I cannot do that they scare me. I know all too well what they can do, and how powerful they can become. I do not want to feel overwhelmed and frightened by them. I always want it on my terms, but sadly these past few weeks have been anything but under control. It has not been on my terms. I am feeling everything I could not, while in the midst of chaos. I wish I could go back and spend some more time with Lilo. Before we put a needle in her neck. Just some more time to tell her how much I loved her, and how much she meant to me. But she is gone, I won’t get that chance. I miss her greatly, but even more so I hate that I said goodbye from such a cold clinical place. I didn’t let myself feel it, and they know that. Horses sense things even more acutely than dogs, or humans. They are constantly reading what is going on around them. I’m sorry for that. But she knew she was loved and respected. We just didn’t have enough time. I could never have foreseen how little time we’d have.

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