Seems as hard as I try to make things right, they seem to go farther adrift. I was only trying to make things work. Maybe it was the wrong approach. I went back and read the emails, nothing seemed all that inciting. But here I am dealing with a rough situation. Do I back up, and make things right? or do I leave it as it is?
I am feeling so lost right now. I, now, more than ever want to run. The farther the better. I want no part in this anymore. I’m not sure where I’d go, or what I’d do. It is hard to get past the urge to bail. Rather than react, I stand still. Very still. My mind somehow hoping that will make it better. Kind of like when you know you’re going to throw up. Suddenly you make yourself as still as possible. I am sitting here in this stillness. My mind running, fast and hard. But my body is still. No gym, no riding, no nothing. I can hardly bring myself to blink. It is a strange, surreal feeling. I know if I so much as move, I’ll be gone.
Where? I don’t know. But in the reality of it, there is nowhere. Nowhere to go, nowhere to hide. I have nothing, but this farm. Not like I can go off anywhere. I don’t know that it would even help at this point. Were I to take a few days to regroup, it would be meaningless. I would return to the same. All the mess, and the stress and the bills. All the horses to feed and the funds to raise.
I think to myself how do we extricate ourselves from this? What do we do with these animals? where do we put them? What do we do with the property? Most importantly, what about us? Is there an us, in the absence of all this? It just seems like it is all questions and no answers. Adrift in a sea of needs that are not met. Pulled under by the endless reminder of the enormity of all that is coming apart and all that needs repair. Whether it be financial, emotional or actual maintenance.
This is where endurance is tested. The day in and day out. It never ceases. The phone calls never stop, the envelopes pile up. Looking out the window brings more anxiety, as the first of the leaves hit the ground. It only gets harder from here. Winter is no farms friend, be it the people, the equipment, or the animals. We, as usual, were slow to react to the diminished pasture. Some of the horses need more feed, and more forage. They need to be moved, and diets adjusted. We are no longer driving this thing, it is driving us. Our actions are reactive, no longer proactive. I feel behind at every turn. I see it, all of it. I know what is happening, I just can’t seem to change the tide. I sit here, still, knowing how important it is to move, but cannot bring myself to. I just need to be still a bit longer.