thoughts

It’s been such a strange couple days. I look back and each seems so different. From overly emotional and tearful to completely numb to exhausted and physically worn down. It seems to be changing so rapidly. I don’t know what to expect. I’m worried what tomorrow will bring. Not is the sense, what will actually happen, but what I will feel like. It seems so all over the place.

Today is not as good as yesterday. Since we are already well at the bottom of the scale, it worries me. As I wrote earlier I will continue to plod along. Putting one foot in front of the other. Getting thru this hour of this day. Having no idea what the next hour might bring. I have to get my shit together for tomorrow, so I can put on a game face for the family. Normally we go and eat, make small talk. Most of these people we won’t see again until the Spring. It never changes, year after year. I do want to see my cousin, as it has been too long. It isn’t that I don’t want to see anyone else. That isn’t it. It just seems like so huge an effort. Then again just getting to the barn is a huge effort. Maybe I should drag my sorry excuse for a jew ass to temple. I don’t even know where the nearest one is. Some days of reflection might help. As I have said before, I am not religious. Though I don’t really see how it can get much worse. Some time spent in prayer might help. When I think of Rosh hashana I think of repenting. I know that isn’t quite it, as that is what follows during the 10 days till Yom Kippur. It is about promise and about rebirth. To be made anew from yourself. I wish I could do that. Leave me behind, at least the parts of me that want me dead. Is that possible? Can they be teased from the whole? I doubt that. I don’t know that you can be down the path I have been without some remnant. But why such a harsh and inflexible one? I do not know if I will ever know a life without suicidal thoughts and impulses. I cannot see out of the now, so I won’t even try. I am in this hour of this day remember. No back and no forward, just the now. I cannot allow myself to try to grasp what is coming, or what has been. It is far too much right now. With the racehorses they use a piece of equipment called “blinkers”. They reduce the animal’s field of vision, often to the side or back. The only option for them to see is to look straight ahead. It takes away distractions and focuses them on the task at hand. I am putting on my emotional blinkers- Everything around me and behind  me is out of view and out of mind. I just need to keep my head down and keep going. No stopping, no considering impulses or thoughts. No cozying up to the darkness and the mayhem. No picturing a future without me in it. Nope, none of that. Just slow and steady…

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