another morning

today has started much like the past couple mornings. My eyes open and my brain thinks- not another one, i just can’t do this. That is the very first formed thought that crossing into my conscious mind. I wonder what moments before, my sleeping brain had been doing. Was it blissful and happy in the oblivion of sleep. Was it dreaming? Often in that first moment I will close my eyes again in hopes of repeating that start with a different one. One more positive, or more inviting. I want nothing more than to have something different. Even indifference would be preferable. Anything but dread. Because I know in that split second that I will wrestle with my emotions for the next 12 hours, till I once again set my head on the pillow. I’m sure other people have the same experience, but I feel so alone in this. When sleep becomes a far better option.

I could not change the beginning. It didn’t much matter how many times I opened and closed by eyes. It remained the same. I pulled myself upright and started my day. I told myself a few days back that I would get through this week. and I will. Often times unsure of how, but I will. This hasn’t beaten me yet.

As I sat on a beautiful renovated porch talking to friends from polo last night, all my brain could think of was they have no idea. I am feet away, but I might as well be on mars. I can’t kill myself. they would spend the rest of their lives wondering why they didn’t see anything wrong. It is often that I have come into this thought process. It isn’t just the thoughts and impulses surrounding suicidality. It is all the thoughts of what will happen after. What is the aftermath. I take it as a positive that I am even thinking along these lines. I’m sure most people wouldn’t understand why. For me it means I am not buried in the planning and obsessing. I can still see out, and see how severely it will affect everyone in my life. Near and far. It is better to think about this, then not. One of the other things that has really tempered my impulses was the multiple posts I read on FB over the past week. It is National Suicide Awareness Week. I have read more than a few from survivors left to try to find answers. The angry, the sorrowful, the torn, the destroyed people left behind. In the past, when I hit a certain threshold all that fades from view. Any thoughts about those left is diminished to some bullshit line- they’ll be okay without me. Or worse yet, they’ll be better without me. How a mind can do that is remarkable. In the pursuit of death it can trivialize one of the most earth shattering behaviors. One of my FB friends (don’t know her- have about 2500 friends) posted a brutal angry straightforward post. Written to her brother, who had killed himself last year. I gave it much thought, and do think about it now. There is a reason I saw that post. Of all the piles of shit I scroll thru everyday, posted from all those 2500 people, I saw that post. Just 5 sentences, no picture, nothing glaring. Even if you don’t believe things happen for a reason, it was coincidence I saw that post in the midst of a very edgy impulsive run. I am glad I saw it, better yet I’m glad I SAW it. My heart felt it. I’m not that far gone. I am not beyond that threshold. If I can just hold on, it will be okay. I rode it out and I can do it again. Each hour I get through is one more step in the right direction. Those blinkers seem to be working. Forward, not back, no looking around. Not looking for a way out. That is what I need to keep on doing.

I am making an effort in every minute to not let my mind take me to the worst of places. It is working. I am not letting it happen. I am okay. I am okay. I am stronger than my impulses. I am not beholden to my thoughts. They are just thoughts. They are not orders or directives. It will get better. I will survive this. I have survived horrors. I can LIVE….

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