restless

I am trying to put words on this feeling. It is strange and creepy. I don’t even know how to put words on it. Just a strange sensation in my chest, and this constant restlessness. I can’t quite say it is an urge to move, ’cause it isn’t. I can sit still. It is like this sensation/vibration under my sternum, creating this resonance. If I were an instrument I’d say you could play me. It is taut and on edge. Sounds fucking nuts, but I cannot describe it. I don’t think I have ever felt anything remotely like this, though I can’t remember shit, so for all I know I have been here before. But I doubt it. I was hoping the seroquel would stop it, but it hasn’t. So, I’m just in this strange place where even breathing feels different. I guess it is just anxiety, taking some new strange form. Wouldn’t surprise me. Anxiety can do some pretty odd things.
The day was like all the Mondays, our non stop barn day, so I didn’t have a whole lot of time to worry about feeling strange. Just tried to get everything done. I tried my best to focus in session, but I was just so disconnected. It is hard to focus when your skin is crawling. I normally find myself relaxed and focused, not today. Even if I don’t start out focused, I can get there with a little effort. It will be a long week, with a memorial service on Thursday. We have to get our mini horse all cleaned and prepped to go, that is going to take two days. He is a mess! He never goes anywhere, so we don’t keep him all clean and shiny. He gets to be a horse and get filthy and roll in the dirt. We will scrub him and get him all neat. He will be great. Such a good little fella.

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