Well I did it. I survived dinner with a large group and lots of kids. I don’t do kids, and I don’t much like large groups. But I managed. But what really happened differently was whenever asked “how are you?” or “How’s the farm”? I didn’t say much, but it wasn’t sugar-coated. When asked how I was, I just shrugged and said surviving. Don’t know, but it most have seemed legit, since nobody pushed it. Who knew being honest would back people off that much? or maybe it is because I am thin and looking worn out, or it was all in my eyes. I hid nothing tonight. I just didn’t have it in me. I was pretty anxious and racy most of the day. The increased provigil has me feeling out of sorts. It is a strange feeling. Kind of like my skin is crawling. Not pleasant, especially with a healthy side of anxiety. Just more frustration, more worry. I worked hard to just stay present. But all it took was my aunt asking if I was okay, to start to crumble that. Surrounded by all these people I didn’t feel remotely safe enough. But I knew what my heart was feeling. I know she knew it wasn’t okay. I’m not that hard to read.
I know I am just exhausted, and part of that was my conveying just how exhausted I am. But part of it was me wanting desperately to reach out. It is the hardest part for me. Just reaching out and letting someone in. I work so hard to keep up appearances. Keep everyone else thinking it is fine. Not sure when I learned to do that, or why it is so very important. Not important, critical to me. I fight so hard to keep it like that. It isn’t like I was yelled at for showing emotions, or smacked upside the head when I cried. It wasn’t like that. Where is this steadfast resolve to keep a stiff upper lip coming from? Honestly it is hurting me, far more than it is helping me. I’d far prefer to feel and react in real-time, rather than hours or days or years later.
When did emotions become something to be feared? Why this hide and seek with them? Regardless, tonight my heart is heavy with sadness. I am suffering in plain sight, but I won’t let anyone know that. Not even my partner. I hate this….all of it.