Smaller and smaller

We all have that person in our lives, or persons, that seem to have this innate ability to injure us. I don’t mean physically. I mean emotionally. They seem to be able to drop us to our knees with little to no effort. They seamlessly exploit our weakest spots, sometimes places even unknown to ourselves. The attack is normally out of nowhere. There is no time to erect barriers or bolster defenses. It is in that moment that we get stripped of our ability to defend ourselves. The damage often done in the blink of an eye. We are left shaken and lost. Raw and unable to comprehend what actually just happened.

I stood holding the phone, realizing what was happening. But I was just frozen, unable to retaliate. I was powerless in that moment. As small as I have ever felt. Diminished to nothingness. eviscerated by words hurled and used as weapons. I am rocked and unsteady now. Trying to piece myself back together, but the parts seem scattered in so many directions. Like a strong storm has flung them far and wide. I don’t even know where to begin. I know I didn’t deserve that.
I don’t know how to fix this. The shifting emotional soil beneath my feet only grows more slippery as the days pass. There seems little I can do to stop this. I have worked for years, trying valiantly to make sense of my world. I thought I was starting to grasp it all. I thought I had some control. I was wrong. I am not strong. I can be reduced to nothing. I guess all these years of work didn’t do a fucking thing. I am still a pathetic lost kid. No better than when my world stopped turning when that plane fell from the sky. I do not have it in me to fight this. I honestly don’t even care. I am done with this.

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