not much to say

not really much feeling like writing today. It has been a day that both had insight and anxiety. I wrote the letter to my partner, not really thinking I would share it, though somewhere in my heart knew I should. As I long stared at the Send button, my mind wandered over all the things I said. Was it too much? too honest? too scary? I really wasn’t sure I could bring myself to send it, but I did. I tried not to think about it and went about my day. Often my mind would drift and I would imagine what she must have thought reading it. When she called this afternoon I was worried. initially it was like all our other conversations, the horses the dogs etc. But after a moment or two there was a pause. I sensed I should keep quiet, wait for her. In that split second she started speaking I heard the person that I knew and loved. The person I would do anything for. It is so remarkable that we can say so much, just with the tone of our voice. Without even making a sentence. Gone was the irritated, angry and frustrated voice I had heard daily. How I wished she were standing in front of me. I believed her when she told me she really didn’t know. She had somehow lost me in all the stress, and the funeral and the loss of the horse. All of it had become this awful mess, and she didn’t see my suffering. Not clearly, and not in a way that would have allowed her to understand how terrible it was. I know it is so difficult to tell is all apart. But it is all out in the open now. She knows where I am and how hard a time I am having.

This is a starting point. A place we can hopefully work from as we create the dialog we need.


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