I have really struggled through the past two days. There is a deep sense of sadness and apathy. I see all this stuff around me, but can’t seem to engage my mind, or my body. It is almost like I am half here and half not. One part of me struggling to get by, the other lost in a haze. The stress remains unimaginable. I long for answers, and to have a path. Though that isn’t going to happen.
In session we talked quite a bit about suicidal thoughts. I so often find my mind straying toward them, I no longer see them as dangerous. Not all of them. The average fleeting thought is not something that should cause alarm or reaction. they just are. Not good nor bad. A normal part of my life. It is when they become intrusive and consistent. When they begin to push toward coming up with a plan, or weighing options. Then they are dangerous. I guess what I was trying to say is, they are not all the same. Not to me. I don’t like to talk about suicidal feelings and thoughts with people, because they usually all either panic, or avoid it all together. There is no need to panic. I don’t think panic works for anything. I guess for me, I just watch them and see what is happening. Just as I monitor my sleep, my mood, and my eating, I monitor when the SI comes around. Very often it is when I am struggling to find answers to a problem, or multiple problems. When I can’t see a solution, or if a solution would be very painful. Suicidal thoughts have always provided me with comfort, knowing I always have an option, I am never completely without control. Even when my life seems to have so little.
I have crawled thru these past few days, painfully aware of how far out on the edge I am. I do find comfort in my ability to remain rational. Even when the impulses are at their worst I will find some reason not to give in. Whether it be thinking of how I will demolish the lives of those left, or in just asking myself to give it time- to make sure I am sure. Time can do a lot of things. It can allow me to alter my perspective, and hopefully shift my thoughts.
As I sat setting traps for the rodents, my trapper friend handed me a handgun from his truck. In that split second, so many things went thru my head. On one had I was happy- easier means to deadly outcome, but on the other horrified by my thoughts. I thought of how completely it would change this guys world if I took that gun and then used it, not for woodchucks we were trapping, but for my own suicide. In that split second I made a decision. I politely turned down the offer of borrowing the gun. It was there, and I controlled myself. I can somehow manage to get by. I can drag myself along and stay safe.