nothing different

I’d like to write than things have changed. That just isn’t it. If anything I sense the depression wrapping itself more deeply and settling in. Any hope I had of it lifting as quickly as it descended have faded. I know, in my bones, it is going to be a rough one. Every leaf that slides to the ground hurts. They signal the impending winter. The months of cold and snow and bleakness. Not just an environmental bleakness, but a mental desert. Just thinking about it drags me deeper. I fight to keep myself present, and not allow myself to think about tomorrow. It is only about today. Getting through this day, this hour, or even this minute. That is the only thing that will get me past this. I cannot allow my mind to stray too far. Unleashed it is out of control. I find ways to distract myself, even if it just for a while. A movie, something engaging, not stupid. A book, something moving, not boring. It seems to be that way across the board. It needs to grab me, otherwise I find all the same crap creeps right back into my head. I look around this place and see every fucking thing that needs repair, or is about to break. I could probably find them blindfolded at this point. I just never ends. I look at the horses and know we need to cut our numbers drastically. Yet, when I try to come up with ideas and plans I find myself standing still. I just stand there completely paralyzed by the magnitude of what we are facing. Now is not a time to be sliding. We can’t afford it, on so many levels. I have to be together. I have to be stronger, I have to be better. but then it just spins back….fucking unable to get my shit together and do something. Anything. This coming from someone who can’t even manage to eat. How can I possibly expect to get it together.

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