made it

Well I honestly didn’t think I’d make it. 10 days alone on the farm. In the midst of some of my darkest moments I just hung onto trying to make it thru. If you had asked me when she left, I’d have told you there was no way. But here I am, just a day shy of her return and I’m still standing. I found some strength I didn’t think I had in me. I found I could temper those awful dark thoughts in a way I never thought was possible. It was a rough go, don’t get me wrong. But I did it. If I can make it through this week, maybe I can get past the coming weeks and months. It is one of the hardest parts of facing a depression. Will it lift? quickly? or will it linger? will it wrap itself around my soul and drag for months? There is nobody who can answer that question. I can’t help but feel it will be here a while. I just know it, in my heart. As I watch my mood sink, and my body shrink, it is only evidence that this is a bad one. I am frustrated. It has only been a few months with the provigil. It was going so well. I still think the med is great, because I am not spending hours in bed. Without it, I know I would be sleeping every afternoon. I can manage to get to the gym, and I can get things done. It is doing something, just not stopping this slide. There has to be another option, something to add to the cocktail to slow this, or right the ship before we are in the depths of winter. I just hope there is something.

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