entering orbit

It has been a weird transition back. Having my partner back has been a good thing, don’t get me wrong. But somehow I thought it would be different better. No, same as when she left. But to expect change would be to expect a miracle. Nothing has changed here. Why would I expect her to change? Maybe I thought she would be less stressed and irritable with a break. I thought she’d be happier? Not sure. I do know she is having a tough time reentering orbit here. I made some decisions that needed to be made, and I know that has been difficult. It is also hard for her to figure out all the changes, new horses, different feed, changed turnout schedule. That is all new. It takes a little time to figure it all out. It has frustrated her further. She will settle back in. Out of the blue she headed to a concert last night. There is no point arguing it. It was “planned”, but she didn’t realize she would be gone before, and then come home only to have this show. I sat alone last night. It felt no different from the 10 nights that preceded it. I just have this feeling she doesn’t want to be here. But I don’t blame her. I don’t want to be here either. I really don’t- in so many ways. The night she got home she quickly involved herself on her computer, headphones and all. There was no discussion, no talk of her visit home. I didn’t push. I left her alone. But in doing that it only made the distance between us feel huge. We could have been on different planets. Different galaxies.

My mood has continued to run in a horribly low place. Though the provigil keeps me active enough. It drives me a bit, and that is a great thing. I would otherwise be sleeping. I feel pulled in both directions, but the provigil almost always wins. It has really been a blessing. Now if we could get the depression under control. It has definitely penetrated every aspect of my life. I know it, and I can see it clearly now. There is no questioning what is going on. It is here. Let the battle begin. I made a choice last week. I will put my head down and keep walking, no matter what happens. I promised myself that. No matter how bad, I will stay here. I have to.

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