Numbers and more numbers

After hours of slogging thru paperwork my brain was just fried. I don’t usually do our book work, so it takes a lot for my brain to really adjust to that type of concentration. It is not that I can’t focus, it is just difficult. Like everything else, I can’t slip and look at the big picture. I becomes so frustrating and overwhelming. I knew the minute I saw the 6 month financials that they were way off. I chose to just let it go. I didn’t want to fight about it. I didn’t think I had it in me to rework all the numbers. It is too late for that now. It is really evident they are wrong. I’m so angry. When you put your trust in someone and they let you down, there is so much frustration and anger. So here I am looking at everything with a new set of eyes. No longer blinded by allegiance or friendship. It isn’t about that now. It is about survival. I had been led to believe the issues were mainly cash flow. fuck that. This isn’t cash flow problems. This is being way up a creek and hearing banjos. Such a freakin mess. I guess it is a lesson learned. As if I didn’t have enough of a problem trusting people. It feels even worse having to go back to our main benefactors and tell them everything they have been looking at has been BS. I would rather go climb in a hole. So now I need to focus and rework everything properly. Starting with this year, and then going back to the beginning. I am watching the to do list pile up. I am watching days click off the calendar. With each day there is less time. There is too much to do, too little time to do it. I know I am overwhelmed. I can feel it with every cell in my body. I don’t think we can do it. Not on our own anyhow. I don’t feel any sense of urgency from my partner. Maybe she just hides it well, or maybe she doesn’t feel any. It only makes me feel more alienated and isolated. Like I am the only one.

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