As this day draws to a close, I am glad to see it go. 39yrs on this planet. thirty nine long years, some good, some bad, some awful. I’d like to say there were more good than bad, but this day just felt like another rough day in a long string of them. Some days it feels like forever. An endless number. I know that is my depressed brain telling me it is all shit and will always be shit. But I can’t really swallow that. Though the rough sections always seem to stand out in sharp contrast. This day started with the phone ringing, no different from all the others. My father asking a barrage of questions about this and that and attorneys. As the minutes past it settled over me. He forgot. That isn’t really out of the ordinary. Not in recent years anyhow. But it still hurt. I hung up the phone and got myself ready to leave for session. Briefly saw my mom, who wished me a happy birthday. Unfortunately she showed up just as I was leaving. Session was like many of the others these days. It was a good session, but I found myself thinking not today, I just don’t want to spend today in my head. But it was too late. I was in my head. I was in my head from the minute I hung up the phone with my father. I left feeling deeply sad and adrift. I can’t even say exactly why. I know we covered some difficult territory, but for whatever reason it hung on me as I drove home. I was so adrift I walked into the house and failed to notice a lovely vase of roses.
I just nodded when my partner asked if I liked the flowers. Somewhere in my mind in disbelief I was so freakin out of it I could not stand 3″ from these roses but have them fail to register. It just illustrates how clearly the world can get so dark so fast. I didn’t want to feel anymore adrift. My partner felt a trip off the farm would be good for me. I would have been content going back to bed. But I let her drag me. I was out of sorts and feeling poorly. As we drove along, she was asking how I could possibly leave for session fine and come back so sad. I tried to explain to her. I did my best, but it quickly fell apart. I told her I really needed her to communicate with me. She was silent. I stared at the fall foliage and wondered how we drifted so far. As the minutes of silence ticked off, I found myself searching for some way to reach her. But I could not find a way in. I pushed her a bit, got her to admit she didn’t want this “life”, I admitted I did not either. There we sat miles apart, sharing in the same reaction to our reality. Neither one of us want this. We both know it is slowly but surely drowning us. There is no way to sustain a life under the stress we are living, nevermind a life together. She quickly turned to yelling at me about “why can’t you just have one day, stop thinking, stop being miserable”. She just doesn’t get it. I can’t flip a switch. I cannot turn this off at will, just as I cannot turn it on. I felt that familiar impulsiveness track its way across my mind. I let myself settle there. Exploring it in my silence. But as I have so many times over the past few weeks, I turned my mind in a different direction. Buying time. Hoping for a shift. Not just in mood, but in this life. I don’t get the sense anything will get better. I fight myself to let the days go by. To give change a chance.
As the day passed, not one other member of my family called (but somehow managed to have almost 200 FB friends wish me a good day). I realize in this world I only have myself. It is me. I just cannot expect anything of them. To do so only sets me up to be hurt. I cannot afford hurt right now. I have enough pain and sadness all on my own. I can wish and hope they come thru, but it doesn’t happen. It is easy to get angry, fuck them. I don’t know that it is any better than hurt and sad. They all don’t help my state of mind. So here’s to another year. Another year to be let down, disappointed and hurt by those I love. To be pushed beyond all reason by stress. To be buried under a mountain of debt. To stare down yet another depression. yeah, another year. cheers.