It has officially been one week since we changed the med doses. It is remarkable the difference it has made. Each day has been a tiny step forward. Today feels like a bigger step forward. I am moving back toward center, a much safer and good place to be.

I was talking to a close friend last night and she brought up Amanda Todd, and the video on youtube. I can’t help but wonder where the heck this girl’s parents were in all this. I guess you could argue that any suicidal person can be successful in minutes. I don’t know enough about this case, but it was very very clear from her video (link at bottom) that she was in way over her head. She was begging for someone to help her. Guess nobody did. It is incredibly sad. This world, still a cruel awful place, but much worse with the internet. Bullying is taken to the extreme. Given the distance it gives people  They seem to so easily say whatever they want. No regard for the aftermath. I thank god I didn’t have to grow up today. It was bad enough dealing with kids in school back then. I can’t even imagine what it would be like now. I see a lot of the same behaviors in adults. Just wander around FB a bit, and you are bound to find someone being nasty about something. Working in the world of rescue, it is even worse. There are different sides. Couple that with people feeling overly passionate about the topic and boom- you have created the perfect environment. All of these rescues compete for the same dollar, the same grants and the same supporters. I have seen cases where one rescue calls the cops on another, just to try to get people to believe the BS. I try to stay off the radar. Not because I have anything to hide- I don’t, our rescue is well run and the horses are well cared for, but because people can turn on you in the blink of an eye. It takes 5 minutes to destroy a reputation via FB. A witch hunt so brutal, it makes Salem look like a walk in the park. These happen all the time. supporters of one rescue trying to tear down another, just so their rescue gets more funds. It is disgusting. It happens every day. I thought adults would be more civil than that. Nope, it is just as bad as middle school. So, like I said I put my head down and try to keep out of the crap that goes on. Sad, having to do that. But working toward a wide internet audience has great risks. I would rather stay off the grid and be left alone. I don’t know why people bully each other. I can’t imagine it really feels all that good to be a bully. Can’t say I have ever treated someone with the intent of intimidating them, we unless you take the psychiatrist in the hospital, but I think that was more out of fear than anything else. I did try to intimidate her, but I didn’t do it thru words so much as behavior. I can’t think back and find any other obvious times when I bullied someone. I may have, but it isn’t really me. I would far rather be quiet and not get involved. As an adult i have called people on actions I thought were not in the best interest of an animal. but that is what we do. We are a rescue. If you are posting something stupid and foolhardy on FB, you bet your ass I am going to say something. Often times it falls on deaf ears. Sadly the animal suffers.

To take someone out at the knees just for the fun of it doesn’t resonate with me. Never did. I was always the kid on the outside of the circle. Not the one tormenting another. It never ceased to amaze me just how cruel kids could be. I think middle school girls are pretty much the worst, though high school could be pretty nasty too. Thankfully for me I had pulled myself up the ranks by the time I got to HS. That’s not to say the boys were all sweet-natured. They were not, but their bullying was more physical. The girls prey on others using more psychological warfare. All the note passing and gossiping and snide remarks. The boys would just beat the crap out of some poor soul. I remember one guy in HS. He was a real ass. Always making trouble. He had been tormenting me since middle school. By the time I got to HS I was so pissed at this guy. I never said anything, never fought back, ever. I distinctly remember a spring day. He loved his car, more than anything. He’d wash it and wax it and drag race it. I think it was a Pontiac. But needless to say, when he wasn’t bullying kids, he was talking about this car. The high school kids all parked in an upper lot, and hike up from the school. It was wooded and secluded. I was on my way back from track practice, and wasn’t paying attention. Next thing I knew here was this prick starting with me. I couldn’t tell you what he said or what I said. I just remember reaching the very end of my tolerance for his crap. In a split second I had put my track spikes (I was wearing them) thru his door panel. I’ll never forget his face. Somewhere between surprise and shock. He didn’t quite know what to do, and I think he realized I might kick the ever-loving shit out of him. I doubt I could have done that, though I probably looked irate enough. He ran like the wuss he really was. Behind all the bullshit and the acting was a scared kid. Probably got the shit kicked out of him at home. It took me all those years of taking it to finally stand up to him. Wish I had figured it out sooner. Lesson learned: Behind most bullies is insecurity and fear.

The girls were a bit different. They took me a while to get my foot in the door. It usually takes one. Just one domino has to fall, before they are all accepting. I know it took me a while, but eventually I did get into that group. Yeah, the one that crucified me daily. It is so sad. To think of all I sacrificed and lost to get into that clique. That in that moment I could forget all the past wrongs, just to be in it. It is truly awful. What I went thru if no different from what goes on everyday across America, and the world. There will always be bullies. Someone will always be on the bottom of that interaction. More often than not it is the kid that doesn’t fit in. Sometimes it is the sensitive shy kid, other times it is the gay kid, or the overweight kid. You can substitute in any number of names. I made it my days work to never let them figure out I was gay. Had they known my life would have been far worse. I was bullied because I was an outsider in a small town. I was different. But they never knew the truth. I lost so much, just to keep my secret. As I wrote in this blog earlier, I put myself out there to be raped, just to keep my secret. I walked away from that school and never looked back. I wanted nothing to do with it. It is strange seeing all my HS class popping up on FB, and sending friend requests. Often times I accept, just out of curiosity. I want to know where they are now. Some I see them in various places around town. I actually am not that far from my HS. Some seem much the same, others have grown up and have families. I actually bumped into the guy I went to prom with. Right after we had moved up here we ran into Target to get something and there he was. I with my partner and he with his wife and kid. It was a bizarre moment. Especially watching it register with him that yes, she is my “partner”. I am glad I made it out of that awful place. There are some wonderful memories of high school, and there are some terrible ones. I am just happy to have walked away. But my heart aches for kids like Amanda Todd. The ones that don’t walk away. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ej7afkypUsc