Tough Mudder

Well it is just 2 more days till Tough Mudder. Two more days until I subject myself to 12 miles of rough terrain broken up with various obstacles. From the rather innocuous muddy steep slope to the far more sinister run through live wires that can knock you face first into the ground with 10,000 volts. I am not sure why I felt so compelled to do this. Initially it just caused some curiosity, but the more I looked into event, I just had to try it. So I will join a team of 12 people I have never met and make a run a big mudder. As the days have quickly clicked off the calendar my anxiety has ratched up a notch. But it isn’t my normal anxiety. This is a fun, anticipatory type anxiety. Like before doing something completely foreign and crazy. It is a great feeling. I don’t know if it is the timing. The change in meds, or the lights or this race. All creating the perfect storm for a huge shift in mood. As I ran this morning I was surrounded by the most glorious fall colors. The leaves skittering to the pavement ahead of my foot falls. Reds, oranges and yellows. The most perfect colors on a classic fall morning. Cool and crisp. The lake stretched out and reflected all those colors. How did I find this place grey and dull just a week and a half ago. When did someone raise the blinds? Is this how fucking simple it is? just flip some biochemical switch in my defective brain and voila, let there be light….how fucking cruel is that. To know that in every darkness and every struggle spent on my knees it is just that close. The difference in suffering and existing and thriving. Just that close. Two weeks ago I walked out on the edge, pummeled by impulses to end my life, and now I am gleefully waiting for some off the wall race. That is just so fucking strange. I can’t even wrap my head around it. But I guess I should just shut up and be happy. One less day of meaningless pain. A day complete with happiness amongst the fall leaves. 2 days till tough mudder. Just two more days till I push myself where I have never gone before. I have never much liked the unknown, but this one seems like quite the experience. I know I can do it. I’ll get over the walls, and thru the mud. I can do it.


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