off and running

I started the day with one thing in mind, to run. Not just run, but to take flight. It was pretty chilly as I pulled on my compression gear and locked up the dogs. It is rare that I start the day with a goal in mind. It is often just blah, blah, blah. More of the very same crap. I would far rather pull the covers back over my head and pretend a new day had not dawned while I was deep in a seroquel slumber. So, I was a quite surprised, and happy to head out the door. It was all about choosing a route. Where should I go? hmmm. I use a great app to track my runs, and also to be able to map routes. I got lost in the choosing for a bit. so many possibilities. Off I went. I felt great. It was absolutely effortless. My app whispering in my ear as each mile clicked off. I was running faster than my normal training pace, but it wasn’t registering. I was running quite easily well into the 6th mile. I fact, I felt so good at that point that I really argued with myself about changing direction and starting my return. I can honestly say I felt as if I could run all day, and actually might have tried that, but some voice of reason remained functioning in my lit up brain. I settled in for the return run. I had  5.5 miles to cover. My brain was pushing, but I started having I slight inkling that my body was going to argue. It became a bit of a battle to keep form and stay on my forefoot. The first mile back I was moving. The app whispered the time, split in my headphones. Shit, I never run faster on the second half of my runs. Geez, this is amazing. I continued on into the next two miles. Little tightness, no problem. another negative split. I was just floating. Not a thing in my head, just the pat of the shoes as they took flight off the pavement. I have to admit these shoes are the most insane orange, guess they work well considering gun season started today. I have never been a fan of blaze orange, but wow I love these shoes. So I watched them meet the road countless times, never tiring of that crazy orange. It was about mile 9 when my body decided my little jaunt was not the best idea. Nevernind, I was so hell bent on continuing the negative numbers all the way home. It was not acceptable to run slower, nope, had to run faster. I was on a mission. So, on I ran, and pushed. Started to find the bottom at about mile 10. For a split second I considered doggin it for the last mile, but my goal was there. All I had to do is run it in under 9:22. yep, it was still kicking around my stubborn head. So I found a bit more lean, and increased my turnover. It started to get more effortless again. It hurt, but my mind was made up. It was remarkable. Teetering on the edge of giving up, I found a different gear. I found a place to go in my mind. I did that last mile, in 9:20. For me that is pushing the envelope of my current fitness level. It was terrific, and I was quite happy when I stopped. My body was not happy, but I was. I wish everyday could feel as productive to me. It was just a run, nothing special, not particularly fast, but it was something to me. In that thick skull of mine it registered as good enough. It was okay. How can I get that to translate to the rest of my life? Can anything else feel like that? In my control, from start to finish. Every single step, every breath and all 11 miles. Mine ALONE. Not to be shared. I made my body do that, even with some argument. I was undeterred, just as I was during TM. I tapped into some part of my brain I don’t often have access to. It was a place of motion and action. There was no quit, or walking away. It was about my getting it done. If only I could find that place more often. The things I could accomplish, the life I could have. To imagine it. It would be my own. Not a pawn in some sick family disaster. No, it would belong to me and nobody else. If only I could take charge of my life like I did that run today. To push myself to go father, and faster. To reach for something my body wasn’t quite ready for. I don’t know how to get to that place. I know it may well involve running away from this life as I know it. A new direction to run is all I think my mind wants. To eat up virgin track with only the sun as company. Me, the crazy orange shoes and the road. On my own…

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