Internal Dialog

what do you want? I want to talk to you. why? why not? you are the asshole that lives in my skull 24-7, 365. so? I think it is time we had a chat. fuck off. nice, u r so charming as usual. Beatrice says we need to have a dialog, so here goes nothing. I want to have some peace and quiet. enough of the endless negative comments and judgements. I want to be left alone. sure you do, but you aren’t good enough. you need me to harass you so you don’t fuck up. Why? why do you think I’ll fuck up? you always do. No not always. yes, most of the time. but not all of the time. you need me. no, I don’t think I do. yes, you are a loser. even if I agree with you it doesn’t mean I need to hear it all the time. I’d like some peace. really? then earn it. Do better, make a difference. how? do a better job, stop fucking up all the time. I am trying. Really I am. sure, whatever. I AM. don’t think so. Look at the mess you are in. does it appear you are doing a good job? no, guess not. that’s what I thought. see you really aren’t capable of much. you just keep screwing up. no I don’t. yep, you do. I am still trying, doesn’t that count for something. not really. if you can’t sort this mess out it is over for the farm. probably over for you and your partner. you will lose everything, but it doesn’t matter. you don’t deserve it anyhow. but….yeah but what. cat got your tongue? no it hasn’t. i just don’t know what to say. don’t bother saying anything. just run away. this isn’t fixable. guess not. there you go again, giving up, giving in. but. no but, you always do. no not always. most of the time. see you can’t even see everything you’ve lost along the way. what have I lost? gee let’s see…the opportunity of a life time at cornell. but I was sick. yeah, sick in the head. and not good enough. you couldn’t come close to doing the work so you ran away. well…no, it is true. you weren’t good enough to fit in and hold your own. that wasn’t my fault. the schooling I had just didn’t prepare me. guess not. you were stupid. no, i’m not. yes, you have known it all along. never was smart enough. just think of all those times J called you an idiot or a moron. where do you think he got that? it wasn’t out of the blue. there was some merit. you never applied yourself. I tried. things were complicated. yeah? how complicated? you know. it was awful. but you didn’t try, you fell apart and caved in. losers do that. I tried. it was too hard. yeah, guess so since you couldn’t handle it. I tried, i really did. no you didn’t. you looked for an out. wished for a train. not at first. she never came back for me. so, you picked death over living? what the fuck is wrong with you? I was lost. yeah apparently. no really I didn’t know why I felt like that. because you are useless. i try. no, you run. no. i hide. i don’t run. yeah but you want to. true, i do want to run. be free of this box. the box you put yourself in. no, i didn’t. yeah you fucked it up. all those years of making $ when the farm was doing okay. what did you do with that? spent it. yeah you did, you never even stopped to think about the future. you are worthless. no, i just never had to think about things like that. we had money. yeah you spoiled brat. you lost it all because you couldn’t keep it together. you couldnt do what you had to to succeed. no i didnt. i stopped trying. yeah you did. you stopped because you didn’t have it in you. you gave up as usual. but. no but. you did give up. just look at the fucking tree, need I remind you more. no u don’t. I see it every day, every night. it is always there reminding me. see, there you go. lost in your head again. can’t even manage. see you really are a useless piece of shit. no better than the rope you had around your neck. but…no you cant even get that right. useless. i was suffering. yeah? so. how many millions suffer everyday? do you see them picking up a rope? NO, see you just don’t get it do you. just give up. it isnt worth the trouble. you wont ever be better than you are now. you can’t do it. I can try. yeah sure, knock yourself out. i’ll be here to remind you just how stupid you are when you fall down again. i’m the one that is reasonable. no you’re not. they tell me you are cruel. me cruel? no. i am honest. why do you have to endlessly tell me how useless I am. Because you are. you are not worth a damn thing. I am. no, you are a failure. not just a regular old failure, a grade A prime failure. give it up. you honestly think you can make 50K appear? no. See that is what I am talking about. you can’t even find a way out. instead you write mind numbing crap day in and day out. endlessly seeking answers that arent worth a damn. taking poison is hopes of shutting me up. I will not be silenced. no. it takes far more than the shrink to do that. I have been with you forever. i always will be. i know. yeah? you know, so why bother. i don’t know. i just want to be better. you never will be. you sick useless piece of shit. no i;m not useless. really? why are u sitting and writing as the place falls apart? i cant fix it. no you cant. u just gave up. let the town take it. yes, i guess that may happen. well it sure will if you keep sitting on your fat ass. im not that fat, really? look at yourself. i do. really? LOOK….CLOSER. notice anything? stop, it is okay. no not really you cow. stop. i am trying. not hard enough obviously. why not just go graze in the kitchen. no i won’t. i went to the gym. you didn’t do much. you think that counts? it was enough for today. not really you lazy piece of shit. im not a piece of shit. yeah you are. look at yourself. enough. no, not enough. you just keep on looking. see how ugly you are. stop, no. i will always be here to remind you just how bad you are. im not bad. sure you are, you just cant see it. what good have you done? i have. i have done things. yeah barely. you just keep hiding behind your gate hoping it all goes away. dont even bother trying. its too bad you didnt finish the job when you had a chance. this place would be far better without you. stop. no I won’t stop. you fuck up. worthless cow. stop. stop stop. NO, you give me no choice, it is so easy because you just keep right on screwing up. left right and center. it is pointless. so easy to see, the world knows what you are. no they dont. yeah they do. one look. they no how dumb and common you are. stop. yeah right. give me a reason. i am working on it. oh yeah, with your endless shrink sessions? what has it been almost 20 years of sessions. see how stupid you are, you cant even get better. doesnt matter you will always be sick. no, not always. yes, it is forever. just a matter of time. you will fuck up again. the family and your partner will have to come save you. virgil will put you back in the hospital for the umpteenth time. see you are just useless to all of them. they just wait for you to come undone. just watch. i am right. yeah you probably are. yes you know I am right. you just keep on deluding yourself into thinking it will work this time. i can’t give up. sure you can cow. you can give up cause you always do. gets hard you come apart. never fails. I am right. i always am. you useless cow. no stop. i’m not useless. i can do things. yeah? what can you do? i can ride. so what, how does that remotely help you? i can do it. and? it is something. no not really. not like you’re curing cancer. it is something. yeah you keep telling yourself that. stop. what can you do. tell me. what of any use can you do? i don’t know. yeah, thought so. see you are pointless in this world. there is nothing you can do. i try. right, you keep saying that. but I am. obviously not remotely hard enough. but I am. Virgil says I am. oh yeah, V your savior. she can’t save you. never could, never will. you just keep telling yourself that. you’ll see. your time will come. it will again and there is nobody that will save you. they will. NO there is nothing, nobody. just you. little you, not strong enough or good enough for anything. fucking useless you know that dont you. I am not useless. gee, really? you sure seem it. you just keep on running. ill be here, always. just keep on telling yourself it will get better. it won’t ill be waiting. i will always be waiting. you fucking piece of garbage. no im not. oh yes, u truly are. when all is lost and you fall apart ill be waiting. ill be here to tell you just how bad you screwed up again. dont ever think that wil change. but. no there is no but. there is only me. i have been here forever, dont think you can ever be rid of me. i am you don’t you see? i am you. i am the darkness and the ugliness. i am always here. just waiting. you are no good. can;t you see? there is ugliness all around you. it isnt just failure that defines you, it is me always waiting in the stillness to drag you away. they cant fix you. your life course was set long ago. the path set. you did that. no I didnt do it. sure you did. you let it happen. all of it. you worthless weak pathetic thing. dont think for a second you can ever get away. it is forever. there is nothing better for you. no. i guess not. i am a piece of shit. i don’t know why i even bother….

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