Turn left now.

the mood hung a hard left late yesterday. didn’t sense it coming. not even sure why. It has been a strange couple of days. From racy and quite good to irritable and some anxiety. Not a big deal. I was just taking it as it shifted. whether it was running to get out the edgy restless feeling, or creating distance so irritable didn’t cause a fight. Needless to say last night and now into today the floor fell out. Wondering where the hell the change came from. I now 100% think the steroids are causing a lot of the instability. Normally in order to me to have such a drastic drop in mood involves some distinct trigger. Not always, but usually something happens and it starts to shift. It doesn’t go from one end to the other over the course of 30 minutes. I started driving home last night, but every cell in my body wanted nothing to do with that. I was lost and indecisive. where should I go? anywhere but there? why? just don’t. it was this incredible urge to just disappear. not go back. i drove around for a bit, feeling out the loose edges of my rapidly deteriorating mood. It wasn’t good. not going home wasn’t really a good idea though I knew some alone time was what I wanted. I know this is just the inevitable. my mood cannot often elevate to where it was without some fall out. It happened and now I have to deal with it. Putting the brakes on before it gets too deep too fast. I hate this hollow feeling. so distinct for me. It may not be a typical emotion like happy, sad, angry etc. but for me it has its own spot. It is the jumping off point for a dark place. always there in the transition. the hollowness creating space and distance. everything falls back and people get farther away. it gives my mind space to wander freely. lose itself slowly but surely into the blackest of holes. I can only hope I stop this right where it is. because when the hollow comes it is never a good sign.

 

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