Long long day

It seems like I have been up for days now. hell, it feels like forever. last night took forever to wind down. my mind was traveling so fast by night check. some driven by anxiety, but most by the racy dark edginess that enveloped me. The seroquel was working hard. Each time I felt like I could let go and settle mind would go off on some tangent. Useless thoughts, not even problem solving or important. just odd flights of disconnected things. strange strange period of a few hours where it just looped back around on itself. it was dark and quiet in the house, but any little noise or outside sound would send me off into these flights again. Earlier in the evening I had to keep asking my partner to turn the sound on the tv down. i usually have no problem with noise. But last night is was just too much. my nerves seemed to be frayed to the very edge. noises literally caused the hairs to stand up on my arms. it was as if I was waiting for some impending attack. Body primed and ready to take flight. The night was a long one, sleep when it finally came was fitful and uncomfortable. I finally woke at 4. soaking wet. I could wring out my tee. standing in the dark shivering my mind kick started again. it was off and running, but the seroquel had left me drowsy and sleep was trying hard to get a foothold. The drive down was more of the same. in fits and starts. I would get right on the edge of sleep and it would elude me again. I was actually happy to have a date with some propofol, if only just to knock my head out for a short while. Don’t remember much at all about the epidural. I remember feeling something, but it didn’t really register. 30 minutes later I was awake and happy to be leaving. there was only one problem, my legs decided they would rather be like gumby’s. I had all my clothes, so I started to change and out of instinct hopped off the bed. Can’t even tell you how glad I was to have a nurse walk in. Obviously this happens all the time since she was holding me up asking me if I could feel my legs. sure, I could feel them. they just would not listen to what I was asking them to do, or if they did they would quickly turn to jelly, thus the almost falling over. so, I walked with the nurse for a bit. she said a couple laps around would help. 10 minutes later I almost had myself under control, well at least my legs. my brain was in a lovely post anesthetic haze. I’d like to have stayed in that place for a while. We started home, with a stop for coffee and breakfast. my legs were slowly getting themselves back to normal. My brain unfortunately wasn’t all that far behind. I was back to the racing thoughts by the time we got in the driveway. It took a good hour to unwind and try and convince myself to close my eyes. I was beyond exhausted. the local block was wearing off and my back was starting to realize someone had been putting needles in it (he did trigger points, as well as the epidural). Here I am 6 hours later and my mind is just going and going. All I wanted to do is go for a run. to take flight. not advisable, so I controlled myself. My run yesterday was just breathtaking. the park was chilly and empty. I only saw one other person running. The sun was dropping low in the sky and long shadows were falling across the lake. I just wanted to run and run. The calf pain from the 11 miler was still very much present, and it was tough to ignore. But it just felt so perfect to go fast. I’m sure intervals was really not what I needed, and I have two very sore calves to prove that. Probably dumb, and way too much. It is just so hard with this constant force pushing and pushing. It just won’t let up. It drives me in motion and won’t ease off the gas pedal. I loved it a couple of days ago, when there was no darkness. then it was only forward momentum. Something I so often lack. I love when that comes around. I feel useful and able. I fucking know better than to believe it. But I was stupid, and I bought it. I romped along. running myself into the ground. I pounded away, losing myself in the speed of thought and motion. I know better, it always comes undone. I don’t have that in me. not normally. not without something driving it. I wish to god that could be me all the time. I could accomplish so much! I could be so many things if only I had that drive and motivation. I was blinded by it. Never stopped to look back. Never saw the pendulum coming. It is all that much worse when it gets you by surprise. It is like having the floor drop out. Instantly you’re on your knees looking around in confusion. That vicious swing takes me the other way, into the edgy angry irritable place. I wanted to fight, anyone, didn’t matter. just wanted to haul off and hit something hard. It travels thru every inch. priming the muscles to tighten and flex. just looking for a reason to uncoil. I know now why I didn’t want to go home. I wanted to save my partner from the backlash. I knew enough to try to stay away. find some distance, don’t get close. it is a scary place to be. so close to out of control. just one trigger away. one small incident to let fly the rage that is just rest beneath the surface. I know I am angry, i am most of the time, but not like that. It is hard to even imagine being quite that wound up. I feel a small shift today. I don’t sense that torrent just waiting to be called on. I am still irritable, but not like that. I hope the steroids wash out and everything normalizes. I don’t want this to cause anymore problems than it already has. I can’t really say I remember what manic was like. I only remember snippets of time. talking to my partner, or the social worker. I don’t exactly recall the high, I just remember the fall. The utter hole of blackness that engulfed me. I cannot say I am not afraid because I am. It terrifies me. I hate feeling powerless. these past few days feel exactly that- powerless. tossed back and forth in a maelstrom of emotions shifting so fast and so hard they take my breath away. If only I could calm the storm in my head. If only I could see where it was going. I wish only for some insight into where I am headed.

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