Finding Perspective

It is terribly easy to become self-centered during the process of treatment. Since it is, in fact, a process about you. How you are doing, what you are feeling. What everyone around you has done, or not done. What wrongs have befallen you. What family screw ups have harmed you. It is all about you.  Needless to say, care must be taken to keep perspective. Hard to do, easy to say. I know for much of this process I have been in that egocentric place. That’s okay, we all spend parts of our lives there. It is necessary, especially when it is also easy to place far too much effort, and care into everyone around us. Our selves lost in that process of pleasing others, at the cost of ourselves. There needs to be some balance. Taking care of ourselves without losing sight of how we effect those around us. When dealing with depression, or bipolar, behavior often has terrible repercussions. We can harm those around us, without even being aware. Lost in the heights of mania, we can decimate relationships and try even the most loyal of supporters. In the deep depths of depression we are so consumed by pain and suffering, we may choose to attempt to depart this life, causing great pain to those that love us. I have been in all those places. I have harmed those around me. That is why I find it so important to realize this. As I have written prior, and I am sure will write again, I am so very blessed to have people in my life that have been able to cope with these ups and downs while remaining steadfastly at my side.
There is a very fine balancing act that comes into play. Realizing our own needs, but not losing sight of everyone in our lives. Holding fast to helping ourselves become whole, while not allowing ourselves to fall back into old habits of valuing others over ourselves. There have been many times in my life where I deferred and gave others a tremendous amount of power. Losing sight of myself and what was best for me. I just didn’t believe I was worth anything. There are many times I fall back into devaluing myself. Normally when I have stretched and come into a new place in my journey. It is uncomfortable and awkward. Taking two steps back for every one step forward. I often wonder why it is so easy for me to back down and offer myself as sacrifice. Not even thinking for a second how much I give up every time I do that. It may be because it is such a familiar state, to be small and worthless. Stepping down to give others control. Years spent controlled and manipulated. It would become my normal state of being. That has left a mark. Causing this ceaseless voice of doubt to linger in my skull. I stretch and grow, only to slink back in disbelief. Never accepting and truly believing my worth. I am not sure what it will take to finally get me to move past this ever-present roadblock. For me to be able to see what those around me see. I am worth it, and I can be selfish. I can make this about me without harm. I can balance on that fine line, keeping myself as a priority while still loving those in my life. I can grow as a person and realize both my shortcomings and those of everyone around me. I will slowly find my way toward a stronger me, while maintaining boundaries and keeping faith in myself. In the end it is about learning to love me, and understand the value of me. To stop hating myself and giving those around me all too much say. At the end of the day, it is okay to be focused on me, as I learn a new perspective.


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