No solutions

I thought my day was going pretty well. Woke up with a pretty good sense of what I wanted to accomplish. Sat with my light and caught up on emails. hopped in the shower to get ready for session. Walked out the door on time as the phone was ringing. I glanced at the caller ID. Accountant. Not now, I had to leave to get to session. The cell started ringing. Great, that can’t be good. But I was going to be late, so I let it ring. Arrived and parked and had a few moments to check messages. Not sure why, but I decided to call the accountant back. As usual some fucking mess is going on with the taxes. To make matters worse my father is apparently confused. The accountant was confused, and now I am throughly confused. It is like a bad game of telephone with everyone misinformed. But this isn’t some innocent game of telephone. This is real and this is about money and levys and more problems. My frustration and anger was now well off the charts. Unfortunately, I did not have time to go over everything. Now I had to get my head together and go to therapy. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. today was fine, everything was okay. WHAM. nope everything is not okay. Not even close. I’m so fucking angry at that point that my emergency switch in my brain flips to disengage. Within the blink of an eye, I was disconnected. You probably could have removed my flesh and it would not have registered. I was fending off the nasty voice in my head. I had to disconnect because I just couldn’t take it anymore. I have had enough. I just don’t know what to do anymore. Every time I try to get myself together to face the problems I start doubting myself. All the nasty comments running thru my head just do me in. I give up and get overwhelmed. At this point I am completely and utterly swamped. I try to see a way out of all this, but it looks pretty hopeless at this point. I wish more than anything I could disappear. The farther away the better. It never fails. I want an out, an escape from here. I tried to settle my head with a gym session. I ran and ran, nothing. no relief there. Because there is no relief. There is no hiding or outrunning this reality. I wish there was a way. I wish there was a way to convince myself I can get thru all this. All there is in my head is doubt and a nasty voice telling me I am useless. I can’t get away from it. I am far too weak to battle it. God I wish I had some solution. Some way to get us out of this disaster. I think about it, but no solution exists. I only see escape routes, no solutions.

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