Free Fall

There is something terrifying about the feeling of the floor falling out of my mood. It is so swift and so utterly devastating. The darkness envelopes everything. It is as if someone swapped out the scenery in my mind. The landscape, in an instant, goes grey and bleak. There is nothing. no love, no hope, no options. there is nothing. just the whisper in my ear. there is nothing left here. nothing you can do. it is pointless to even try. just give up. there is a way out. a place with no pain, no stress. But I’m scared. don’t be scared, there is nothing to be afraid of. you are suffering. you don’t need to suffer. i don’t want to hurt anyone. so you are supposed to suffer so no one else gets hurt? are you a martyr? No, I don’t mean it like that. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I just want to be free. I want to be okay. You’ll never be okay. just look at you, sitting in a heap. completely and utterly overwhelmed to the point of not being able to move. I just have to sit still. If I am still enough I can ride this out. I can keep calm. I don’t have to listen to you. But you want to! you want to let go. you’ve had enough. Your life has been one endless disaster. nobody would be surprised if you left it. I don’t know. I don’t know what happens after here. maybe i will suffer more. maybe I will go to hell. it will be better than here. Anything is better than here. I don’t know. I just…you just what?I’m scared I’ll screw up. I won’t get it right. It will just be more of the same. more hospitals, more drugs, more treatments. a never ending process of not getting well. all the more reason to just let go. I don’t know. I’ll give it some time. I don’t want to just react. maybe my mood will right itself. I will start to feel better. I will give it some time. I have to give myself that. I will shoulder this pain and stay still hoping for a shift.

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