Plummet to grey

The free fall continues. I awoke to a day as grey and bleak as my mind. I went to the park to try to clear my thoughts with a run in the cold air and falling snow. It was so quiet. Eerily so. The only sound, my shoes on the path. I ran and ran. I tried to shake the misery that surrounds me. I wanted to free myself and find some peace in the grey beauty of the lake. There was no solace in that snowy landscape. My mind kept folding back on itself. The only thing it wants is escape. I can’t give up. I know that, but it sits there in my mind’s eye. Never, ever leaving. I sentenced myself to this reality. The very first time I chose to harm myself. It is there in my mind forever. I did that. I created an option where there had not been one. I gave it a chance and planted a seed. One I can’t seem to be free of. The endless dialog. I just wish I had never given it the power it has. and so I ran. I ran to find peace. to find quiet. to give myself some space from the demons in my head. If only I had found it. Instead I returned, as miserable and sad as when I left. I am exhausted. Every gesture and glance seems to take immense amounts of effort. This is depression at its worst. To exist is difficult. To breath seems redundant and hard. The simplest has become the most draining. I retreat to my bed hoping to find escape in sleep. I relish the hours of nothingness. It is safe there, if only sleep would come.

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