jumbled

Falling into and out of a fitful sleep, my mind was filled with strange thoughts. Incomplete, unrecognizable. Moving too quickly to even track. Just endless circuitous jumbles. I just want some quiet. There is no quiet. The only peace existing when I am asleep. The seroquel keeps me sleepy and disconnected. Nothing seems real. I feel like I am miles away from myself. The only part present are the words in my mind. It just does not settle. Why can’t my mind be sluggish and heavy as my body. I want only to sleep to be free of this. But sleep comes with a cost. It is dream filled. Not sweet beautiful dreams. Dreams so dark and awful, they leave me breathless upon waking.

All I wanted was to be better. To be free of the pain from my back. God, I would never have taken the cortisone if I knew the hell it would toss me down into. I am so lost right now. Holding on so tight to the reality this will be temporary. Yet my mind feels like it will be forever. This past week has felt never ending. Every minute drawling it out, longer and longer. Nothing feels right with me. I sense some weird distance from myself. Like none of this is real. A dream sequence dragging me along in the mists of confusion. Thick deep mist, obscuring the path ahead of me, and the road I have traveled. Is this just the seroquel? is it my mind falling deeper into itself? Where do I begin and end?

I am trying hard not to think about anything important right now. I do not think it would be prudent to make any major decisions, especially when I seem so out of sorts. I should probably be in the hospital, but I cannot bring myself to agree. There is no quiet there, no freedom, nothing good comes of being there. I am just trying to put one foot in front of the other, not look down, or around me. I don’t want to think about it. I just want to find a solution. Make a decision and move on. To be in this psychological limbo, wrapped in pain, suffering and confusion, is not a good place.

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