Hospital IV

Headed home tomorrow. I have had a week of steady mood, compared to where it was outside. No real dark thoughts or suicidal ideation. Aside from the really vivid dreams, some pretty awful, I am stable. Should be happy right? It is tough, because I know I will leave here and step out into the chaos of life. There won’t be an opportunity to settle in and slowly regroup. It will be a fast transition. Work, work and more work. Guess that might be a good thing, since I will be so exhausted I won’t have time to think about problems. But it is still hard to leave the relative peace of this place (I say relative, since it is never 100% quiet). It did give me time to think and write. I had the opportunity to talk quite a bit about where I am at right now, and the challenges facing me/us. I’d like to think I could skirt these issues and just pretend they are not there. Go about my life, and run. That doesn’t work in the long run. In short stints, it may partially keep everything in check, but there are far too large issues looming. Put those on top of an inability to cope and it is a recipe for rough times. How then do we set about creating a plan to not end up here. I won’t say ever again, because I think that is pushing it. To come off of a ten year period with so many hospital visits and declare there will be no more is fantasy. Sure, I’d love to never set foot in this place again, ever. Let’s just hope it doesn’t happen. But still, there needs to be some more solid work on dealing with the stress and difficulties facing my partner and I. I would hope this work would include both of us, but I think she may still not be inclined to want to sit on the couch. On the other hand, I remain committed to doing the work. This may have been a rough episode, for all of us, but it does not mean we sit on our hands. We all need to move forward. Hopefully this isn’t sounding to optimistic. Since clearly that isn’t what I am. However, if I don’t keep working, it is truly pointless.
Rather than talk about optimism, and my lack thereof, we can look at working toward somehow closing the gap between my emotional mind- the nasty sadistic voice in my head forever berating me for every stumble, driving that perfectionism that sabotages me endlessly into thinking I am a failure, and the more rational side of my mind. The one that can rattle off the endless facts and figures. The one that understands this is a cyclical pattern. The part of my mind that knows I will cycle back up and out of darkness, or down out of high flying moods. I KNOW this. Just as I realize meds are a part of my life, as is therapy. My rational mind understands all of it. So how do we close the gap and find a place closer to wise mind, the blend of each. I am not really sure of how to get to that place, but it seems a far more realistic and sensible spot to live and think from. It may well involve far more mindfulness. It will be a place where beliefs are no longer based on feelings alone, but on objective evidence. (thanks to A.B. for that). It will allow me to move away from a life controlled by powerful emotions, and waves of impulses driven by them. It will not be about reaction, but more control. I doubt I will ever control my mood state, that seems impossible. Though I do feel when it is stable and controlled with medication I can attempt to manage how I react (or don’t) to stressors, even when they come out of nowhere, or are extremely triggering ones, like my family tends to evoke. There seems to me there has to be a better way than the one I am living. This path isn’t good for me, or anyone around me. So, either we keep on like this, or I change, because nobody around me is going to do that. It is up to me.


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