Home? not really

It has been 24 hours since I’ve been back home. Wish I could say I was glad to be back. I’m not. I’m having a rough time. As this day has worn on it just seems to get worse. I want to be anywhere but here. I’m not saying I want to be in the hospital- I don’t. I’m not saying I’m suicidal Im not. What I am is struck by the deep sense of discontent. It just permeates everything. I’m not trying to be difficult, though my partner insists I am being critical. that is not my intent. I’m trying to settle and relax back into home. I just notice various things (this is the same now as it always is). Sadly she insists on taking this personally, as if she failed somehow. It isn’t anything to do with her if a client horse is a bit thin, or if another has too little bedding. I just don’t see the connection. But it triggered off a fight. I don’t need fighting at this moment, actually I don’t like it anytime, but this is such a tenuous time. There isn’t much I can do to make her feel better right now, since I was an ass and said the wrong things. I had just had enough in that moment and was reacting. I am finding myself a bit too reactive today. Not unfamiliar territory. It has been a really rough couple weeks. To assume it would be smooth sailing now would be stupid. I just didn’t think it would be this difficult. Guess we are well past the easing back into life thing. I’m just not sure how to counteract my desire to runaway. I’m not really thinking of anywhere in particular, just not here. Because my partner is right, I only see what is wrong, not what is okay. Not what she has been able to sustain without me, or what is alright. No, I just see the zillion things that add up to impossible. Herein lies the root of my sense of overwhelming panic and discontent. If I were able to leave them be, and not fixate so much on all of them. I wish I could look out this window and see the positive. All the things that are right, okay, or even just good enough. I’d take good enough right about now. I’d take just about anything but where I’m at right about now. I hate to be fighting and not be supportive. There is nothing but frustration and distance. I don’t really know what would remedy this. Should I just step back and leave her be? Should I push her a bit? neither seems all that positive given all that is going on. I know it is my indecision and frustration with this situation that is creating the ripples in this lake of our relationship. I know we really need each other right now. Possibly more than we ever have. The question remains, how do I reach out to her as we are both pulling away? There seems to be nothing but a unbridgable gap. I tend to give up and pull back into myself and my head, into the quiet and loneliness. There is no good in this situation right now. I am right back into the putting one foot in front of another. Looking the other way for just long enough to get some relief and then right back into an overwhelmed state. Back and forth, week after week. Beatrice is right, we do need to sit down and talk about the coming months. We are both together on this track, we need to sit down with her and talk about a plan (or plans) to deal with what is about to happen. Just avoiding talking about it at home isn’t doing us any good. Actually it is doing us both harm in the long run. I’m not sure that I can convince my partner to come in. I actually doubt she will. It will be more of the same. I will spend week after week of trying to work on my stuff. It is hard, often feels pretty bad. Each and every time I return home disconnected. The shift from a couch where I explore how to deal with what is coming undone around me to returning home to a world of make believe (nothing is wrong). The distance between the two is so great, I cannot reconcile it. That is why it is often so difficult to return home. (whether it be from a session or a hospital). The work doesn’t matter when the status quo is to pretend we can just hold on. I don’t feel that way, so why than do I spend everyday in the same b.s place. This doesn’t work. It just makes everything harder to deal with.

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