The Blog

I started this blog journey 200+ entries ago. It wasn’t for a single specific reason. I wasn’t asked to do it, I just started writing. It has been an interesting path. Though on the whole I feel this blog has given me a space to explore all of these various bits of information, events, or emotions in a way that is safe for me. Nobody watching me, just me and the computer. I was never a journal writer, though there have been periods where I kept one briefly. I don’t consider myself a writer and I never really thought I’d still be here blogging after more then 6 months. Like most, I lose interest once the shine wears off. I feel a little different about this. I think I will keep at it for a bit. I can’t say how long, because there is only so much I can write. In yesterday’s anger all I thought to myself was the fucking blog, it all comes down to the blog. That sentiment did not hold. They may well gain a lot of information from reading this, but I won’t stop writing over anger. When I started this page I let whoever wandered onto thebipolarfarmer.com have a front row seat to the daily goings on in my head, or the events of past. Those who read include the people who hold the tide and make sure I continue moving forward, not back, and definitely not ceasing all together. But there is a vulnerability involved here that none of us have spoken about. If I write the way I do, deeply and honestly from my heart, it is all out there. I do it for the sense of calm it gives me. However, in doing this I give a daily recording of my state of mind. Those treating me, don’t only see this as writing, they see this as a place to take my “psychiatric” pulse. My rambling sentences and outpouring of emotion viewed from a clinical standpoint. I had not really thought much about that until yesterday. Sure, I knew they had the ability to see where I was at from reading this daily, but I never truly got it. I do now. It changes nothing. I may well have been angry yesterday, and the knee jerk reaction was to stop writing. that would harm nobody but myself. I’ll keep writing. I promised when I wrote the first entry this would be honest and straight from my heart/head. That will not change. This blog is for me. If others chose to read it that is fine. But at the end of the day it is about me. I want to look back at this blog years from now and see what it was like to find my way back. To watch the process unfold, and to see my growth, or free fall (or anything in between). It will all be here. Not to be taken the wrong way, but I also wanted a place where my words were saved should one day I not make it thru. I know there is always that risk. Just because I try, and stay committed to treatment does not mean I won’t slip one day and leave this life I have slogged through. That is just being honest. There have been enough times I came a hair’s breath from that cold dark hereafter. I could just as easily die as people do each day from accident or illness. But I will have left this behind- me uncut, and raw. Everything that ever happened, and all I fought to come back from. This blog is me. I want it all there, no holds barred, no person defended or shielded. This is not about protecting my family, or the people who have failed me and those who abused me. It is what it is. I will continue to write here. My life in words forever.

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