The days are ticking down to the Christmas that wasn’t. As I have written before I have a fairly mixed feelings about the holiday, however it is still a holiday. This past month has slid by, alternating between disconnection, and emotional upheaval. I could be honest and say the disconnect is far preferable. It just doesn’t work, and it doesn’t hold. It is sad. Days have passed, things have happened, one right after the other. None of them good. Not a single good thing. I’m trying to just move past this month. I can’t help but feel a bit sad as we close in on Christmas. Regardless of how much I bitch about the holidays my heart always feels a bit heavy when Christmas falls apart. This year seems like it will be like so many other fucked up holidays. I didn’t plan to get messed up with the steroids, or spend the week in the hospital. To be buried up to my ears in an investigation for another week and when that starts to wrap up to get the flu. There was no chance to even get anything Christmas related done. I’m not really welcome at the holiday dinner since i’m still sick. (but I will get a plate of food….) nice huh. Nobody wants the flu. so this is the Christmas that never had a chance, never. It is quite sad. I’m not even sure why it bothers me, but it does. Guess somewhere in my heart this holiday means something, or it is possible that this is just plain exhaustion speaking.
I have had plenty of years when holidays were just meaningless, buried amongst pain and suffering. The ones that come without are a gift to be treasured. This one won’t be amongst them. As much as I’d like it to be otherwise.