I’m still not in a writing mood. though I think it is important to take a look back over 2012 as it draws to a close. I don’t really have a positive outlook going into 2013, since so much is up in the air. Too many possible disasters looming to think all will be wonderful. Nope, I’m thinking it will be more of the same. Some okay periods with a rough patch here and there. I think I need to maintain by just putting my head down and taking each day as it comes. I don’t think it makes much sense to look too far ahead, it only causes much disappointment and anxiety.
Needless to say, looking back over 2012 there are a lot of ups and downs. Some medication changes, and the addition of modafanil. I think it was a positive and has definitely allowed me to do more. More energy, and it helps with motivation.
I’ll try to piece together the year as best I can. I know the New Year was a boring one, and last winter was a mild one for us. Seems it was a mild one for me based on the mood charts. In fact my mood was pretty elevated for a period in March but came back into the middle for april. My partner had her surgery, and it was a lot of stress at home. The remarkable thing is my mood held up thru the winter. I was doing my lightbox ( I think ). The major shift started in May and continued a downward trend into June. We did the psychopharm consult and started the Provigil the end of June. The shift in mood was pretty rapid. The trend continued into late July, stress and life interfered and we increased the Provigil. The mood fluctuated up and down by the day, but mostly within reach of the middle ground. There were non-functioning days in there, but for the most part they did not string together. By late August that all changed. Life, the farm, the IRS and major horse disasters coupled to crash the mood. That probably combined with the changing season to create the depression I was staring down. September was hair-raising in places, but overall it was just depression and stress. My partner returning home and leaving me alone caused some serious scary moments of impulsive suicidal ideation I had not faced in a long time. It came on fast and hard. I had not dealt with that degree of impulsivity, not since I was younger. I held on, somehow and survived that week. October started off in the same overwhelmed depressed state, but shifted mid month. A drastic shift. I’ll have to read back thru the blog and see what was going on, since I know part of it was Tough Mudder, but I’m not sure if there was anything else. Polo started up, and I finally decided to go back and play. Early November was decent except for the back issues. Mid November brought irritable mixed periods during the period I was taking steroids,followed by the epidural. The gun episode and the free fall was the last week. Early December was the hospital, followed by a rough couple weeks home. Losing our old dog and dealing with family crap. This past week has come back toward the middle. So I seem to be ending the year like I started it, right smack in the middle. Not good, not bad. I could be better and it would help, but I am okay with where I am. I am functioning. It is okay. Looking back over the year helped, since it seems in by brain to be all crap for 12 months. It wasn’t. On the whole it was better than a lot of years I have had. The most memorable are the two different suicidal periods, mainly because they were so fast to come on, and so brutal to hold off. That is different. Least in my mind it is. In the shadow of those episodes it is hard to see the okay periods, or the terrific October and Tough Mudder. Seems it is so easy to lose sight of the good when the bad is so terrifying. It looms so large. I need to find a way to amplify the good so it holds up against the rough spots. We know we can get me thru them. It may not be pretty, and it may feel terrible, but we did get thru it. Need to keep that in mind heading into the new year. Looking toward 2013, I think we will have the same pattern, and that is okay since the good balanced with the bad, and I survived. We need a 2013 like that. a steady balance and keeping myself fit and pushing onward with treatment. We know things will happen. Probably awful things, but that doesn’t mean I need to worry. Each day will come, and the sun will rise and set. what happens in the middle we cannot control. It is the future. what I can work toward is finding the balance and checking my reactions. I don’t need to be perfect. A bad day can just be a bad day, no more no less. I have to keep that in mind. It is too easy to get so involved in focusing too much, holding a microscope to every emotion and every shift in mood. That is not living, that is reacting. There is a spot somewhere in the middle and I need to find it. My goal in 2013 is finding the middle. My safe place. It doesn’t need to be happy. The vast majority of the planet isn’t happy. Why make a goal that is not attainable? I’ll settle for coping. That is good enough for me. I’ll follow-up tomorrow with my solid actual goals for 2013.