I have thought a lot about 2012 in the past few days. That dovetailing nicely into my thoughts for 2013. I don’t normally like to look too far ahead, though I think it is important to set some tangible goals for the new year.
Treatment- Seems I am making some progress toward learning and growing. I’d like to continue that into 2013. With so much up in the air, and so many possible disasters looming it is critical that I keep my head together. But it isn’t just about that. It is about me finding me. Not for anyone else. I can’t keep walking thru life hating it, and myself. I need to find some love here, at least toward me. To endlessly berate myself and hold such impossible standards in my head does so much harm. I’ve come too far to leave it like this. We’ll have to work hard, I know that. This has been set in my head for most of my life. How do I start shifting toward a new paradigm? My life has been in this unpleasant loop for 11 years now. It has to stop. Can 2013 be the year that everything shifts? Will it be the year that I start making decisions for me, not for everyone around me? There is no pleasure in this existence. There has to be a way to move forward. My goal is to find it. It isn’t just throw a match and walk away. There are responsibilities and there is a life I have built here. My goal is to tease out the parts that can be salvaged and use them as a platform moving forward. I want to find the pieces of what made my life so good before venturing up here and find it again. I can find what was once wonderful in my relationship, and my work. 2013 has to be about moving forward, whether it be in treatment, in training, in life. All of it. 2013 = FORWARD
Family- There isn’t much I can do to change it. My family is what it is. Sure, I can continue wishing it were different, but that doesn’t help me. My goal is acceptance and tolerance. Finding my way toward healthy interactions with them. Not sacrificing or belittling me in the hopes of holding on to the relationships, no matter how dysfunctional they might be. It isn’t okay. Why should I be the one to shoulder the suffering? I should not be the one to bite my tongue and swallow that bitter pill of disappointment. To stop expecting so much of them, they always fail. 2013= ACCEPTANCE
Training- Tough Mudder/ Spartan Race/ half marathon- yep, my partner in crime is already planning the team for our second go at big mudder. I am pretty excited to do it again. We are considering spring in Pennsylvania, and the late summer in NJ. I’m planning to run a spartan in the spring, think I have her convinced to join me, though the thought of burpees seem to be causing some procrastination on her end 🙂 . I have my sights set on a winter half marathon, but am not 100% sure since I lost almost a month of training between my back, hospital, and the flu. I’ll have to see where it is at come mid January. In 2012 I rekindled the athlete in me, now I want to really see what she can do. 2013 will be about devotion to the training, and finding places to test myself in ways I never have before. I have found a place of peace and empowerment in training. 2013= RUN
Reaching beyond my comfort zone. I understand I am holding back, clinging to a stunted repressed life. It has been a long time since I have ventured outside of this. Much of this anxiety and pain stems from wallowing here. There is so much beyond this farm and this gate. Life out there is moving forward fast as light. I cannot just sit here and pretend it is okay. I need to push myself out there a bit. Find life again. Meet people and go places. This leash I’ve strapped on does nothing for me, but lull me into this place of apathy and boredom. There is no stretch, no reach. I have this brain in my head I rarely use. What a waste. My goal for 2013 is to step outside the confines of this property and the farm. 2013= Reach
Blog- My goal is to continue another 6 months. It is hard to write everyday, so I am keeping that goal at another half year. I’m sure I will continue past that, but I don’t want to put too much pressure on myself to do so. I love the freedom and the escape the blog has given me. I have found a way to express myself, and in doing so found ways to explore the most tortured parts of me. I have found a place to visit moment’s in my life I never wished revisit. Here in the blog I feel safe enough to put words to those images and emotions. This blog has been one of the very best things that I ever decided to do. I hope to eventually transition it into a memoir, but for now I will write to write, just for me. 2013= WRITE
Those are some of my major goals for 2013. A couple other small ones are kicking around in my head, but these are the major ones. Now is the hard part, putting them into action and making them happen. I hope 2013 is a good year for me.
Wishing all those out there a wonderful New Year! Peace and love….