My mother continued her full court press on the house cleaning. It is fine, since I had already started tearing apart the kitchen with the smell of unknown origin. This was day two and the kitchen has come together nicely, but there is still the smell. I was on my last nerve so I headed for the office to file papers and sort bills. What was I thinking? I don’t usually do the bills. I’m not really even supposed to look at them since we know they tend to elicit panic. Today was no different. I started filing and making notes. Opening foot high piles of mail. It got worse by the minute. The certified mail containing the foreclosure notice which notes we have until the 28th of February to pay the back taxes. So 50 days until it comes to an end. Sitting next to it was the 2013 tax bill. All told we are pushing 70K in taxes owed now. How does one even respond to that? How fucking impossible. But we still sit here, day after day, going thru the motions. Feeding the horses, cleaning the barn. It all just seems so pointless and ridiculous under the weight of this crushing debt. How stupid that I continue to run and make goals. It is pointless. 2013 has nothing to do with making goals and running races, no 2013 is about losing our home and this life as we know it. I just can’t even stomach it. The panic is so extreme today I am barely functioning. I am caught in this angry irritable frustrated place. I am tired of just going along like nothing is happening. What the fuck is wrong with us?
Where do we honestly think the way out is? Are we just going to hope and pray a solution presents itself? Really? cause fucking mega millions sure isn’t working. Looking around, watching the people drive past, or watching the horses eat all I can think of is screaming at the top of my lungs. The stress and frustration are so beyond anything I have ever encountered. I want to rip someone apart, from limb to limb. That is how angry I am a this point in time. Angry at all that has gone wrong. Raging at the stupidity of my father’s investment that lost all the money. Terrified that in short order we will find ourselves homeless, with a herd of horses to place. Where will they go? What are we going to do? Can I honesty have enough faith in myself and us to believe I will survive? or whether our relationship will survive if I do? It is sickening just thinking about. The more the stress pushed down on us the farther we pull apart. I am nasty and irritable. Finding any reasons to fight. Pushing away. creating distance.

stupid me thinking a run will fix it. Nothing will fix this. This is the cold hard truth- the reality of this life.