Conflicted

47 days, the clock ticking away. Feeling helplessly lost in so many ways. Part of me fighting hard not to panic, the other wishing the days would go faster. It all comes down to not knowing what I want, or hell even what I need right now. To look at this, the actual black and white reality of the situation and find a way not to come apart is so difficult. I cannot seem to find a way to accept it. I have brief glimpses of it, but not a true heartfelt embrace of the coming loss. It feels ridiculous to even write those words. It is not like someone is dying. It is just a farm. Land and some buildings nothing more, nothing less. Why even care? Why react so strongly to a place that has caused such misery for so long? I should be dancing in joy. But that is just another “should”, not of much use to me. The scary thing is I do have moments of wishing it were over. All of this here to be gone. It makes me anxious and uncomfortable just to think about those moments of calm. How can I be so willing to walk away when everyone around me is hanging on for dear life. Doing everything to make this right again. To figure out a way to save this place. How can I silently wish for it not to go on. I feel so awful and guilty in those moments when my mind wanders envisioning a life elsewhere. But those moments are the minority. Most of these days are spent overwhelmed and anxious, fighting to stay present. To just look at the property hurts, physically hurts. The futility of this situation we find ourselves in is crushing. Every step a useless motion under the encroaching foreclosure. Why bother? I battle the temptation to climb back in bed and wish for a different outcome. I look at these horses and think how we started this to keep them safe and give them a life. What life can we give them now? How do we chose who goes, never mind how do we find a place for them? The pain I feel right now, in the knowledge that we are failing is beyond measure. It just gnaws away at me. It is such a stark contrast to the glimmers of hope I see in a future without this place. How do I reconcile that? How do I still my panicked mind long enough to come up with a plan? I don’t even know where to start. Everywhere I turn is another problem without a solution. I am here treading water and fighting to not drop under the weight of all this. There is only so much I can endure. I have been thru so much already. I knew this was coming, I just didn’t know how extreme my reaction would be. I don’t want to feel this. I do not want to go thru this process of sitting here hopeless waiting for a lifeboat. Never knowing if one with show up, or if I am going to drowned here. I look to my partner and struggle to contain my frustration and anger when her reaction doesn’t mirror mine. I cannot find the patience not to snap. Instead of pulling closer in this time of chaos I am driving a wedge between us. There is nothing left but daily arguments and silence. When all I want is someone to hold onto, I have nothing because I have pushed her away. Creating more distance and less affection. I have made a cold hard place here and I don’t even know why. I do not understand my actions. I am just reacting and lashing out. I wish it could be different. Why do I have to be so uncaring and cruel? Is my panic causing me to lose sight of what is important? beyond important, critical to my survival in this eleventh hour. We both cannot get thru this without each other. There has to be a way to close the gap and find the love. Just because I hate everything that is going on does not mean I need to hate her. My anger is not at her, though I am reacting to her calmness. My anger is at all that is unjust and all the reasons we are in this position. It is not her doing. I know that. With no place to level this anger she just gets caught in the line of fire. She is the only one close enough. She takes it. It will destroy this relationship. I know that, yet I can’t seem to stop myself. I use silence as a defense. If I am silent I won’t lash out. But that silence only grows. Steady and insidious, day after day. It is a type of hell we find ourselves in, least that is what it feels like to me. A hell created by things well beyond our control and magnified within the walls of our relationship by my inability to stop tormenting her. I have to stop. I need to find a way to step back from the rage and let her breath.

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